Beginnings X Parody
by omasuoniwabanshi
Summary: Newly revised and reposted to adhere to FF.net's "no script rule". Now Complete. Please review, as all previous ones were lost!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: This is a parody of X. X, the characters, plot, etc. do not belong to me.

Warning: Spoilers galore.

Special note to Readers: This story had to be re-posted because of a vindictive adolescent with poor grammar skills. (I'm 99.9 sure that the adolescent in question complained about this story to in order to "get back" at me for daring to suggest she was being unduly rude to a young author). My abject apologies to my previous reviewers (Bimp Lizkit, Zippy, Ryuu Raigeki, Ru-kun, Meirav, Fema, AmethystWind89, Seneti, and Mysterious Double) whose reviews are now part of internet limbo land. If you've never read this before, please read and review. If you've reviewed the previous version, please read and review the new one. It may take me a while to convert all the chapters so please be patient.

X PARODY: CHAPTER ONE: BEGINNINGS

PART ONE: It's Kamui Shirou's first day of school. He returns to Tokyo after an absence of six years. He wears a black school uniform trimmed with red. He has short dark hair, a slight boyish figure, and amber colored eyes.

As soon as the class settles down, the teacher calls Kamui up to the front.

"Class, we have a new student today named Kamui Shirou, who recently lost his mother in a mysterious fire and has moved to Tokyo to attend school here. Kamui, please introduce yourself."

"I'm the dark silent brooding type. Keep away. I don't want friends and my motto is: Never do anything if you don't have to." says Kamui as he glares and stomps off to an empty desk.

The teacher sighs. "Oh great, ANOTHER slacker. Why do I always get the weird ones?"

At recess, Kamui is brooding picturesquely on the flat-topped roof of the school, by the chain link fence overlooking the schoolyard below. All of a sudden an attractive strawberry blonde girl in a grey and black school uniform shows up and walks toward him hesitantly.

"Kamui? Is it really you?" asks Kotori, the cute blonde.

Kamui turns and looks at her.

Kotari smiles happily. "It is you! I'm so happy to see you. Do you remember when you, me, and my brother used to play together when we were children, and you saved me from falling out of a tree and we all swore we'd be friends forever and ever?"

Kamui glares. "Go away and leave me alone. I hate you."

"Gee, sorry to bother you. I will now go away and fall madly in love with you. Girls always go for the rude obnoxious types." giggles Kotori, and skips off down the stairs.

PART TWO: Evening. The walkway outside Kamui's apartment. Kamui buys a can of soda from a vending machine. A blonde haired kid in a school uniform shows up.

"I'm Daisuke, loyal follower of the Princess Hinoto. I'm here to find out if you are the real Kamui, the Dragon of Heaven who will fulfill an ages old prophecy, and wield the Shincan, a divine sword."

Kamui pops the top of the soda can. "Stop bothering me."

"You are rude. I will now challenge you to a fight even though we may actually be on the same side. Besides, I think you are a jerk. Now let us go someplace secluded, or set up a nice green force field so there won't be any property damage and no one will get hurt by falling masonry."

Kamui raises his hand and sends an energy blast that crumples the concrete wall by Daisuke.

"Hey!" yells Daisuke. "You can't be the real Kamui, He's one of the good guys. He'd never put others in danger." Daisuki jumps aside and battles Kamui across three streets, resulting in the annihilation of roofs, water towers, and a skyscraper construction site. Both are wounded, but Kamui manages to knock Daisuke to the edge of the (now in ruins) skyscraper, and stomps on his back.

"You're wasting my time. Who sent you? Tell me now." says Kamui as he grinds his heel on the back of Daisuke's head.

A beautiful girl with long dark hair in a green and white sailor style school uniform shows up. "Stop it. You're hurt. You must tend your wounds. By the way, I'm Arashi, the cool unapproachable beauty. I also have a spirit sword that I can pull from my hand. I can and will kick hindquarters with it, but right now I'm being sympathetic. Want some bandages?"

"Forget it." says Kamui through clenched teeth. "I'm invincible." Blood starts to flow down his side. "I will now attack you. You are a girl, but you are probably one of them, the ones who keep bothering me, so I will fight you."

Arashi pulls her sword out, parries his blows, picks up Daisuke, and jumps off the building. "I'm going now, but we will meet again. By the way, you're dripping blood all over the floor, Mr. Invincible."

Kamui staggers over to some basketball courts where Fuma, Kotari's brother, is practicing alone in the dark. Fuma sees him and rushes over.

"Kamui! You're hurt!"

"I'm fine. Leave me alone." Blood seeps through Kamui's fingers where he's holding a nasty gash in his side.

Fuma paces anxiously. "But when you saved my sister from falling out of a tree I swore I'd always protect you!"

"Back off Basketball Boy!" snarls Kamui. "I need nothing and nobody. I am the cold, emotionless anti-hero." He staggers off into the night, collapsing at his apartment.

Meanwhile, a lone figure in a yellow jacket and baseball cap on backwards follows him by jumping across the roof tops. Fuma jumps on his bicycle and rides after Kamui, trailing him by the bloodstains on the ground. Across 10 city blocks. Really.

Fuma crosses a green mystical barrier field, stops his bike and looks around in amazement. Three blocks worth of houses, shops, and streets lie in rubble.

"What the...?" asks Fuma, mouth open in wonderment.

On the remains of the rooftops above, the kid in the baseball cap and yellow jacket pauses in his battle with a tall blonde man snappily dressed in a pink suit and white duster style raincoat, bearing a whip.

Sorata, the kid, turns to his opponent and says, "Now that's something you don't see every day."

"He's not an ordinary human, is he?" comments Yuto, coiling his whip.

"Nope, they can't get through force fields."

"Curious."

Both are silent a moment, contemplating the spectacle of Fuma craning his neck to get a better view of the destruction.

"Yeah. What say we call a time out?" asks Fuma at last.

"Sure." Yuto shrugs. "See ya around. By the way, I forgot to introduce myself earlier. I'm Yuto Kigai, humble public servant working for the government by day, Dragon of Earth by night. I'm also the only Dragon of Earth with a sense of humor AND a sense of style."

"Cool. I'm Subara, the wise-cracking smart-alecky high school kid. I'm adorable, because I'm the only Dragon of Heaven who doesn't take the whole end of the world thing too seriously."

"Gee, what a shame we're on opposite sides. In any other circumstances we could become friends, instead of just engaging in quips, one-liners, and witty insults while trying to beat each other's brains out in battle."

"True, I kinda like you, even if you do dress like a wussy Calvin Klein model." Sorata releases the barrier field, and goes to Kamui's apartment.

"What the...?" asks Fuma as the rubble disappears and the world turns back to its normal intact self. "Oh well, I will now convince myself it was all a hallucination and go to help my old friend who specifically told me to back off." Fuma gets back on his bike and peddles to Kamui's apartment where he meets Sorata, standing guard outside.

"Who're you?" asks Fuma suspiciously.

"Little old me?" Sorata grins, and says, "Oh, I'm just a friend of Kamui's who happened to be passing by."

"Did you happen to see the street get destroyed then magically change back to normal?"

Sorata glances around, trying to look innocent. "What street? Where? Uh, let's go see if Kamui's OK."

They knock on the door, bursting in when they receive no answer, to find Kamui out cold, flat on the floor.

"Kamui!" cries Fuma. "Let me tend your wounds and salve them with my super secret recipe ointment passed down by the basketball team for generations. It not only heals your wounds, it brings down the swelling too. And it is said to cure acne and halitosis. That way, when you wake up you can be rude, unresponsive, and have nice breath."

Sorata chimes in, "And I'll go shopping for packaged food items so that way when you wake up you can be ungrateful."

Gleefully, they set to work. Kamui wakes up from a nightmare in which his mother is standing in a burning house with her hair artistically wafting around her face in the fire's updraft, managing to look beautifully intact, and carrying on a conversation while supposedly burning to death.

"Great! You're up. I bandaged your wounds and cleaned your apartment. Plus I washed your dishes and polished the floor. I'm so glad you're feeling better now. Remember, I promised you I'd always protect you the day you saved Kotari from falling out of that tree and breaking her neck. Kotari and I are worried about you." says Fuma.

"Beat it." Kamui growls.

Completely ignoring Kamui's rudeness, Fuma answers, "Oh, of course! You need your rest. I'll be going now."

"Gee, I thought there were no more nice guys in the world. Why're you so mean to him when all he wants to do is be your friend?"

Kamui ignores Sorata's question. "What do you want?" He pulls off his bandages to reveal that all his wounds have completely healed in under an hour.

Sorata takes a deep breath, then explains. "Well ya see, I'm a monk from Koya shrine, and the shrine master says you're the one who will wield the shincan, the magic sword, so I'm supposed to guard and protect you, like a guard dog! See, the world's about to end soon and there's going to be an epic battle between the Dragons of Heaven and the Dragons of Earth, which you are going to be a part of. By the way, he also said that your mom died horribly in a terrible fire, and that you came back because you are now completely alone in the world with no family, no one to love you or care if you live or die. I heard fire's an awful way to go, flesh melting off bones and..."

Kamui grabs Sorata by the throat. "SHUT UP! And die!"

"What'd I say? Geez, you're so touchy! Oh and I almost forgot, I've got an important message for you that..."

Kamui creates an energy ball and attempts to ram it down Sorata's throat.

Sorata jumps backwards and exits. "Okay, Okay, I'm going."

PART THREE: The library. Kotari drops a book next to Kamui, who bends and picks it up. Kotari holds out her hand for the book, but Kamui begins to leaf through it.

Kotari smiles. "Oh! Kamui! What a pleasant surprise. That's my book on Indigo dyeing." She keeps holding out her hand, but Kamui ignores it. "Do you like Indigo dyeing? I went to an Indigo factory on a field trip, and I've decided to devote my life to Indigo dyeing. It takes ten to twenty years to really learn how to use Indigo dye."

"Yeah, well the world's ending this year so you might want to change your career plans."

Kotari giggles. "Oh Kamui, you say the silliest things sometimes. Did you know that Indigo dyed cloth was found on Egyptian mummies and ones from Incan tombs, and that ancient Sanskrit texts record that the early Indians knew how to use Indigo?"

Kamui's eyes glaze over and he hands her the book, and walks away.

Kotari, not noticing he's gone, keeps talking. "Not only that, but Marco Polo was the first European to write about Indigo use in India in the thirteenth century...."

Kamui spots the girl in the white and green sailor suit style school uniform sitting quietly at a desk, reading a book. He goes over to her.

"You there. Stop spying on me. Tell me the name of whoever sent you."

Arashi puts her book down and faces him. "You can not escape your Destiny, Kamui. Just as my destiny is to guard and protect you, your destiny is to wield the Shincan sword. You can not deny it."

"Yes I can. I'm taking the Shincan sword and then I'm gone."

"You can not leave." Arashi intones solemnly. "The fate of the entire world lies in your hands."

"Sorry, not interested, and if I see you again I'll kill you." Kamui leaves.

Arashi sighs.

Meanwhile back among the shelves, Kotari keeps babbling. "Indigo is a dye derived from the plants of the genus Indigofera, and its molecular structure consists of molecules arranged in a benzene ring fused to a pyrrole ring. The Indigofera molecule is also known as indicant in other literature and...Kamui? Kamui?"

PART FOUR: In a darkened, spacious room somewhere far below basement level of a government building in downtown Tokyo, a young albino girl seated on the floor in the middle of what looks like a Japanese tea house built in the middle of the empty space.

Hinoto, the albino girl, recites in a sing-song voice, "I dreamed, I dreamed of two Kamuis and two Shincan swords. The end of the world, Kamui was there. I saw him, but which one? The end of the world is coming, the final battle. The seven seals are gathering for this conflict, and...Darn it Kanoe, get out of my dream!"

A white skinned woman with long dark hair dressed like a cross between a C.E.O. of a major corporation and Elvira mistress of the dark steps forward, chuckling evilly.

Kanoe smirks. "Ah, sister dear, you know I can't dream of the future myself, so whenever I want to know what's going to happen, all I have to do is eavesdrop on your dreams. Now who do you like in the fifth race tomorrow down at the track?"

Hinoto cries out piteously, "Please sister, do not look into my dreams anymore. Why do you fight for the destruction of the earth?"

"Because you're fighting for its salvation." answers Kanoe.

"But don't you care about the millions of people who will die?" Hinoto asks, turning her sightless red eyes toward her sister.

"Nope." answers Kanoe matter-of-factly. You were always the perfect child, the gifted one with the pink eyes and the long silver hair. Everyone paid attention to you, not me, so everyone should die die die!"

"So this is really all about sibling rivalry?!?"

"Pretty much. Now, I've got to go play mind games with some of my Dragons of Earth, so Ciao!" Kanoe wiggles her fingers at Hinoto and walks nonchalantly out of her dream.

"I told mom she should have drowned Kanoe at birth!" Hinoto concentrates and contacts Arashi with her mind. "Arashi, Are you guarding Kamui?"

Arashi, busily slicing and dicing a cadre of black suited golem-like wraiths, who appeared out of the ground, answers. "Yes, princess, I hear you. I am not on Kamui duty just now. That boy from the Koya monastery is Kamui-sitting just now." She pauses to cut through the torsos of four wraiths, who fall in pieces to the ground and disappear in black puddles, leaving behind little rectangular papers with spells printed on them.

"Kamui must be protected at all costs." Hinoto reminds her anxiously.

"Yes princess. Can I get back to you? I'm a bit busy right now." Arashi looks up to see hundreds of black suited human like wraiths perching on rooftops all around her. "What is this? A 'Men in Black' convention?"

At that moment, a harried looking man in a tan suit with a green umbrella casually saunters through Arashi's green force shield and bisects two wraiths with a wind spell.

Seiichiro stops before her and holds out his umbrella. "Excuse me, miss? Could you use my umbrella? You'll catch your death in this rain."

Arashi winces at the poor choice of words. "Who're you?"

"Oh I'm the slightly goofy token older character to round out the teenage dominated super team. I have a wife and kid and I'm actually gainfully employed as an editor at a publishing house. Right now I'm late for a meeting. I'm only in this scene to introduce myself, and I've done that so now I'll go. That reminds me. Say hello to Sorata when you see him." Leaving the umbrella behind with Arashi, Seiichiro runs off.

Kamui and Sorata walk up to Arashi, who polishes off the last hundred wraiths without breaking a sweat.

Kamui stops and glares. "Take me to your leader or I will kill you."

"Do you always sound like a robot?" asks Arashi interestedly.

"Don't mind him," jokes Sorata. "He's just cranky that someone stole the Shincan sword from out of Fuma and Kotari's dad's shrine, leaving their dad wounded. By the way, I'm Sorata, the comic relief for this story." He leans in under Arashi's umbrella and gazes into her eyes. "Hey, you're CUTE! You're the one! I choose you."

"What are you talking about?"

"The one I'll give my life for! It was prophesied that one day I would die for a girl, and I choose you. You now can't help but be charmed by me and fall madly in love with me."

Arashi turns up her nose. "Hah. Cool unapproachable beauties like me do not fall so easily. Besides, don't you know that girls always go for the rude obnoxious types?"

"Take me to your leader or I'll kill you." repeats Kamui in monotone.

Arashi looks at him, sighs. "On the other hand..."

PART FIVE: A young schoolgirl with short black hair in a green jacket and pleated grey skirt walks down the sidewalk by a park, a large grey wolf-like dog at her side. As they cross the street at a crosswalk, the dog stops to save a child who ran into the crosswalk against the light, and into oncoming traffic.

"Good dog, Inuki! What a pity no one else can see you but me, since you're a spirit dog. Now let's go buy ice cream." says the girl, Yuzuriha, perkily.

A soldier, Kusanagi, dressed in army fatigues bends down and pats Inuki on the head.

"Great save boy! What a good dog you have there, miss."

Yuzuriha's eyes fill with tears. She begins to sob. "You can see him? You can see Inuki?"

"Of course, he's standing right there." Kusanagi gives a puzzled smile as he stands up straight.

Yuzuriha throws herself into his arms and hugs him, sobbing hysterically. "I'm so happy!"

Kusanagi, looking perplexed, asks, "Why is it women only seem to say that when they are crying?"

"It's a girl thing. I'm going to run away now without telling you my name or finding out yours, with no chance of ever finding you again. Even though you're the only other person I've met besides my family who can see my spirit dog. I know it's completely illogical, but just go with it."

Yuzuriha runs away laughing and waving, Inuki at her side.

Kusanagi waves back reflexively. "That is one weird little girl."

PART SIX: Hinoto's lair under the government building. Kamui, Sorata, and Arashi descend in an elevator, and begin walking toward the doors at the end of the hallway.

Arashi speaks as they walk. "Princess Hinota is a dream seer. She is disabled. She cannot hear or speak. She will communicate with you in other ways. Do not be rude to her or say anything to make her uncomfortable." She glares long and hard at Sorata.

"Hey! Why're you looking at me like that?" asks Sorata plaintively. "I'm the warm and friendly one, remember?"

They arrive at the doors. Arashi opens them and steps into the open, cavernous room, motioning for them to follow. Kamui and Sorata enter, stopping short when they see the diminutive form of the young albino girl in her shrine like setting. Two female attendants, and a much bandaged and banged up looking Daisuke attend her.

"Welcome." Hinto says in a demure voice.

"Wow, it really looks like she's talking just like a normal person. Plus she's not nearly as old looking as she must be." says Sorata loudly.

Arashi smacks him and glares.

"What'd I do?" asks Sorata, surprised.

Hinoto ignores them and lifts her hand. "Kamui, take my hand and I will show you my dream."

Sorata shoves Kamui forward. "Don't be scared, dude. I'll protect you. It's my destiny."

Kamui glares at him. "Touch me again and I'll break your hand." He steps forward and grabs Hinoto's hand, transporting himself into her prophetic dream. Both end up in a barren landscape of fallen skyscrapers and dust swirls.

Hinoto speaks softly. "This is what will happen, Kamui, if you do not accept your destiny and become a Dragon of Heaven. Your mother died on purpose as a shadow sacrifice to protect you so that you could save the earth."

A voice calls out from the darkness. "But that's not the whole story, is it?" Kanoe appears and begins caressing Kamui's face with clawlike long red nails. Kamui scowls. "Hinoto forgot to tell you that there are two destinies you could choose from. Instead of becoming a Dragon of Heaven, you could join me and become a Dragon of Earth and destroy the earth instead. Won't that be fun?"

Hinoto pound the ground with her fist. "Dang it Kanoe! For the last time, will you please get out of my dreams? Didn't I post a psychic "Do Not Disturb" sign?"

"Hah!" Kanoe smirks. "Like that kept me from sneaking into your room and reading your diary when we were little."

Aggrieved, Hinoto snaps her fingers. "That's it. Dream over."

Kamui comes to lying on the floor by Hinoto, who is being fussed over by her attendants.

Shoving the attendants aside he grabs Hinoto by the throat. "Why did you stop the dream?"

Daisuke yelps, "Hey! Hands off my woman...er, I mean don't touch Hinoto!"

Kamui, ignoring Daisuke, glares at Hinoto and says, "This is all a trick and a waste of my time."

"No, Kamui." Hinoto implores. "What Kanoe said was true. The future is for you to decide. If you become a Dragon of Heaven you can save the earth, but if you become a Dragon of Earth, you will destroy it."

Sorata leans in close to stage-whisper to Arashi, "Seems like a no-brainer to me."

"Hush."

Kamui releases Hinoto and crosses his arms. "Well forget it. It's none of my affair if the earth gets destroyed. I don't care."

Sorata leans close to Arashi again to ask, "Er, doesn't he know that if earth gets destroyed he will too?"

Arashi waves him off. "He's having a teenaged snit. Leave him alone or you'll just make it worse."

"Please, Kamui..." Hinoto begs piteously.

Daisuke jumps to his feet. "I've had it up to here with you, you spoiled brat! I'm not a seven seal so I don't have to care about you. Let's brawl." Daisuke starts winding up a wind spell, creating a tornado like current of air circling around him.

Kamui scowls. "Bring it on. I hate you. I hate you all." Kamui raises his hand and begins to create an energy ball aimed at Daisuke.

Just then, a blue streak of energy enters from the roof and lands between Kamui and Daisuke, transforming itself into a big fluffy grey colored dog.

Yuzuriha bounds into the room. "Hi! I'm Yuzuriha Nekoi from Mitsumine shrine. I'm fourteen years old. I like ice cream and pocky, oh! And watching Sailor Moon reruns on T.V." She bounces over to Daisuke, Arashi, and Sorata, shaking their hands and babbling on, blithely unaware of the tension. "It's so nice to meet people who can actually see Inuki!"

Yuzuriha bounces over to Kamui. "Are you Kamui? Really truly? Want some pocky? You look hungry!"

Kamui stares.

Sorata calls out to Yuzuriha, "Don't mind him, he's just a jerk."

At that moment the room dissolves and rocks start flying around.

"Looks like one of the Dragons of Earth found us." groans Sorata.

Arashi pulls her sword from her hand and pulverizes several rocks. Sorata brings out an electric energy ball and crushes a huge rock headed for him and Yuzuriha.

Yuzuriha jumps up and down and claps her hands. "That was really cool! Do it again! Whoops!" She dodges a rock and pulls out her own spirit sword, severing the boulder in half.

Sorata grins at her. "You're not so bad yourself."

Kamui nonchalantly shatters the spell. The room returns to normal and the rocks transform themselves into harmless cherry blossom petals. "If you're finished with the mutual admiration society meeting, I'm leaving."

Hinoto tries to dissuage him. "But Kamui, what about the fate of the earth? Please join us and save the earth."

Kamui scowls. "Forget it. If you hadn't wasted time spying on me, and had just forked over the Shincan sword when I first got to Tokyo, then Fuma and Kotori's dad wouldn't have gotten injured. I'm leaving." He stomps out, glowering.

Sorata looks after him. "Gee, it must be hard to have the fate of the world lying on your shoulders. Maybe we should cut him some slack."

"I still say he's a brat." mutters Daisuke.

Arashi, walks slowly toward the others, her face sharp with thought. "I find it interesting that he professes to care about what happened to Fuma and Kotori's father. Perhaps hidden deep down inside him is that warm, friendly cuddly child that Fuma and Kotari used to play with. Perhaps there is hope for the world. Perhaps Kamui will realize his true heroic nature and come back to help us."

Arashi looks at Sorata, who looks at Daisuke, who looks at Yuzuriha, who looks at Hinoto – then quickly looks back at Daisuke after realizing Hinoto is blind. All look at each other for a long moment, then say in unison: "Naah."

Sorata sighs. "We're toast."

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Up next: Will Kamui turn his back on the fate of the earth? Will the rest of the Dragons of Heaven show up? Will the author ever get around to introducing and making fun of the Dragons of Earth? Read the next chapter to find out. Reviews welcomed!


	2. Middles

Disclaimer: This is a parody of X. X, the characters, plot, etc. do not belong to me.

Warning: This story contains spoilers. Also, several plot points have been re-arranged. This story was previously posted in a more script style format which, in my opinion, went along better with the flow of the parody, but doesn't like script style so what can you do?

Thanks to Seneti, RyuuRaigeki, Meirav, and Takako San (Fema) for re-reviewing my story. You're the best!

X PARODY CHAPTER TWO: MIDDLES

PART ONE: High up in a cocoon like mass of metal and wires, a thin, teenaged girl dreams of world domination.

"Zeros and ones, zeros and ones, all of my world's reduced to zeros and ones. I love my machine. Machines don't have messy little human emotions. Everything is coldly logical, like me!" Satsuki reaches out with her mind (linked to the computer) to find top-secret data from a research lab. "Well, that was fun, but now I've got to pee. Darned human body!"

Satsuki clambers out of the machine and shimmies to the ground. "Now where's that bathroom again?" She begins peering into doorways. "Let's see, weird long haired blonde guy in a coma – nope wrong room. Odd-looking sword gleaming with evil – nope, wrong again. Androgynous clone stolen from a genetic research lab floating in a glass tube – nope. Kanoe smarming over Yuto while half naked with the door open,"(yawns) "– nope, wrong again. I think I'll go biking."

Kanoe slithers, snake-like, around Yuto, dapper in his silk pajamas. "I always get what I want, and I wanted that little girl to become my pet computer nerd."

Yuto glances at her, amused. "Were you trying to make her jealous? Is that why you left the door open?"

Kanoe shrugs. "No, I'm just an exhibitionist with opportunistic sadistic tendencies. I'm evil incarnate. I'm a manipulative genius who loves to pull wings off flies and torment the innocent. But I like trees! Earth forever! Kill all the humans!"

Yuto smiles and reaches for her. "Now that's the Kanoe I know and love."

Satsuki rides her bike down some a curiously empty streets in downtown Tokyo. She stops to take a swig from a bottle of water. Yuzuriho jogs by.

"Hi! I'm Yuzuriho and there's a black car full of thugs following you, did you know?"

Satsuki glances back and spots them. "Don't worry about it. Have some water." Throws the bottle to her, and gets on her bike. "By the way, nice dog."

"Wait! You can see Inuki?" Yuzuriha asks excitedly.

Satsuki smirks, nonchalantly pedals away one handedly. With the other hand she uses her cell phone to reconfigure all the traffic signals to force the thugs to pursue her on foot, bypasses an office building's security system, lures the thugs into the parking garage in the basement, turns on the sprinkler system to get them drenched and coaxes electrical cables onto the puddles beneath their feet.

Thug #1 calls out to her, "You're coming with us, back to the top secret lab where we held you prisoner to conduct tests before you broke out. C'mon Satsuki, no one else knows how to fix the office copier when it jams but you."

Satsuki holds up her cell phone threateningly. "Sorry, I'll have to decline your offer. If I switch on the power we'll all be electrocuted."

The thugs cower. "You wouldn't do that! You'd die too."

Satsuki sighs. "Anyone ever tell you you've got a real gift for stating the obvious? Besides, anything's better than dying of boredom in that lab of yours. You don't even have cable TV in your lab! Humans are so dull. The only thing that could possibly spark a flicker of interest in me is a cataclysmic battle for humanity's survival."

Yuto swoops in and uses his ninja sai (three pronged spiky thing) to disarm the thugs and knock them out. "Satsuki! I'm here to rescue you."

Satsuki stares. "Why?"

Yuto grins. "It was either this or working out at the gym. Aren't you going to say thank you?"

"Of course not." Sniffs Satsuki. "I'm bored. Take me home."

PART TWO: A while later. The funeral of Fuma and Kotori's father. Kamui, Sorata, and Arashi look on from a distance.

Sorata stares sadly at the people by the grave marker. "Man, that's tough on Fuma and Kotori losing their dad that way. Just think, if he hadn't been guarding the Shincan sword that Kamui was supposed to get, then the Dragons of Earth wouldn't have beat him to a bloody pulp when they stole it, and he wouldn't have died, so in a sense, it's all Kamui's fault for not picking up the sword earlier when he first arrived in Tokyo. Isn't that right old buddy?" Sorata claps Kamui on the shoulder.

Kamui jerks away from Sorata. "I'm not your buddy. Go away."

"Nice move, Mr. Tactful." growls Arashi to Sorata.

Just then, a lithesome redhead dressed in an outfit that a Fredericks of Hollywood Lingerie store would be proud to call their own leaps down from a tree branch.

"Hi! I'm Karen Kasumi, here to deliver a message to Kamui from his auntie." She hands Kamui a letter. "She's going to give him the other Shincan sword on the night of the full moon at Togakushi shrine."

Arashi frowns. "What other Shincan sword?"

"The spare one. It's always good to carry a spare. You know what we girl scouts always say, 'Be prepared'." smiles Karen.

Sorata sniffs the air appreciatively. "Nice perfume, but I have to say you're not exactly dressed like a girl scout."

Karen giggles. "Oh, that's because I'm a Christian Catholic prostitute." She crosses herself to prove it.

Dead silence.

Kamui, Sorata, and Arashi all look at each other.

"Uh, isn't that kind of an oxymoron? You know, like 'wicked nice?' or 'jumbo shrimp?'" offers Sorata.

"Pacifistic ax murderer." contributes Kamui.

Arashi gets a very pleased look on her face. "Military Intelligence."

Her comrades murmur in admiration of her example.

Karen holds up her hands. "Stop! Please! Don't look at me, I don't write this stuff. This is what you get when you have Japanese authors coming from an increasingly secular background with Shinto or Buddhist underpinnings writing about Western religions they don't really understand. Look at the way they mangled Catholicism in Noir, Witch Hunter Robin -and don't even get me started on Neon Genesis Evangelion. Whoops! Look at the time, the graveside service is breaking up, and I'm not really dressed for a wake, so I'll be getting back to work now." She leaps off through the trees and disappears.

Later on, after the wake, Kotori notices Kamui standing watch by her front gate, and hurries over to him. Sorata and Arashi watch over Kamui from a nearby rooftop.

Sorata smiles in a paternal fashion. "Aw, isn't he cute? I think he likes her. Our little boy is growing up, mother." He places his hand on Arashi's shoulder.

Arashi moves away from Sorata, causing his hand to drop off her shoulder. "Your charming attempts at psychoanalysis do not work on me. I will never soften toward you. We cool, unapproachable beauties have a reputation to uphold."

Kotori smiles bravely at Kamui. "Thank you for coming, Kamui."

"It's nothing."

Kotori cocks her head. "Tell me your dreams of the future, Kamui."

Kamui scowls at the ground. "I have no dreams. You're the only high school freshman I know who has their career plans mapped out already."

Kotori giggles and blushes. "Yea, I'm going to be an Indigo dyer! It's an important job. Indigo dying has come a long way from medieval times when the dyers used to drink alcoholic beverages and pee into the dye vats to help in the fermentation processes. You see, when the leaves of the Isatis tinctoria woad plant were placed in a solution of water and human urine, enriched with alcohol, they would ferment, causing sugar to be released from the indoxyl molecule. The liquid then turns yellow, and was removed to a different vat which was stirred vigorously so it would combine with the oxygen in the air..."

Suddenly Kotori's front yard disappears as Kotori and Kamui are swept into an alternate dimension due to Seishiro's evil spell. They reappear perched on a precipice. Other spurs of rock jut up from fathomless depths below. On the highest rocky outcropping stands the lone figure of Seishiro, clothed all in black, including a sinister full-length trench coat, and sunglasses.

Kotori, not noticing her changed surroundings, continues. "Once oxygen has been introduced, the indoxyl molecules bond to the central carbon atoms on the pyrrole rings, and this makes the liquid turn first green, then the deep blue color we associate with indigo."

Seishiro calls out mockingly, "Greetings, Kamui. You escaped my trap at Hinoto's place, but now I have you in my clutches and I will kill you. What's this? A chick? Oh well, I guess I'll just kill you both."

Kamui glares. "You and what army? And if you touch Kotori I'll rip your face off you flower petal throwing pansy."

Kotori finally notices something is not right. "Huh? What's going on?" She looks down and sees she's about three inches away from stepping out over a bottomless pit. "Eep!"

Kamui creates a sphere of blue light to protect them from Seishiro's assault. "Nothing much, just stick close to me, Kotori."

Kotori nods happily. "OK. To continue with my story, This blue material known as indigo was then boiled, filtered and dried into either a loose powder or a moist cake. It was sold in...."

"Die, Kamui!" Seishiro hurls black occult cards at him that turn into ravens who get pulped by Kamui's force field. "Hmm, that didn't work, I'll try small rocks." He hurls a mass of stones at Kamui, one of which gets through the force field and slices his bicep. Kamui falls backward, knocking Kotori off her perch. He turns and catches her hand, so she's dangling over the abyss.

Kotori faints dramatically.

Kamui flashes back to when he was a kid, holding Kotori in the exact same way when he kept her from falling to her death out of a tree. "This is getting to be a habit."

Seishiro grins. "Ah ha! If you continue to hold onto the girl you won't be able to block my next attack. I'll use even bigger rocks this time!" He sends over three boulders the size of SUVs.

Fuma enters Seishiro's alternate dimension and throws himself over Kamui, shielding him from the boulders, which dissipate into a thousand pieces before touching his back.

Kamui glances up, astonished. "Fuma, why did you save me?"

"Well, you are holding my sister over an abyss. Plus I'm your twin star. My father told me so, on his deathbed, so it must be true. I haven't got a clue what that means but it seems important." Fuma's eyes begin to glow red and his voice drops a few notches down the vocal register. "See me for what I am, Kamui - your twin star. Bwahaha."

Seishiro stamps his foot. "Curses! My evil plan to kill Kamui is foiled, but that new guy Fuma looks pretty interesting. Perhaps we'll be friends." Canceling his spell, he disappears in a cloud of cherry blossom petals.

Kamui, Kotori (mercifully still unconscious), and Fuma reappear in their front yard. Fuma blinks and appears to awaken from a dream.

"What the heck just happened?"

Kamui stares at him. "You don't remember anything?"

Fuma shakes his head. "Nope, and I don't want to. I will now take my sister into the house and not press you for any details. By the way, want to come to my basketball game later?"

Kamui "..."

Not receiving and answer, Fuma gives up. "Well, see ya!" He picks up Kotori and exits.

PART THREE: A train station. Arashi in her green and white sailor suit uniform stands next to Sorata, who hangs up a public phone, and turns to her.

"Well, that's it then, we'll have to take a train ride if we want to go talk to Subaru, head of the Sumeragi clan. I think he's our best bet since we're trying to round up all the Dragons of Heaven, him being the head of a clan with the reputation of being the best of the best when it comes to mystical powers and all."

Arashi replies, "Agreed, but why am I here?"

Sorata laughs. "So I can flirt with you, of course! Plus, I hear Subaru is really handsome, but shy, real shy. In fact he's not your type at all. I want to be there when you meet him so I can remind you of that. Oh look, here's our train pulling into the station, now you can be a captive audience while I charm the socks off you on the way to meet Subaru."

Arashi crosses her arms. "I'm un-charm able." She turns her back on Sorata and makes her way down the stairs to the train platform, pointedly ignoring him.

Sorata looks after her. "Sheesh! She's a tough sell."

Sorata and Arashi exit the train at a deserted station, and begin walking through a forest towards some buildings in the distance. Eerie music swells around them.

Sorata cocks his head. "Do you hear that? I think someone's having a surreal experience combined with a flashback sequence!"

"Doubtless they are also having a battle with an arch enemy." opines Arashi

Sorata stares at her, mouth open. "Wow! How did you figure that out?"

Arashi nods to her left where the top of a huge green force field towers over the top of a bamboo forest.

Inside the force field, Subaru Sumeragi faces off with Seishiro. Both throw little bits of paper with pentagrams stenciled on them at each other. The papers transform into birds, razor sharp cards, and other interesting accoutrements, but each of the dodge the attacks easily.

Seishiro revs up another energy ball. "You're not still mad that I plunged my hand through your sister's chest, killing her horribly even though she was just a girl without enough mystical power to threaten me at all?"

Subaru dodges his blast. "Not really."

Seishiro continues speaking while attempting to eviscerate Subaru with a barrage of little black cards. "Come on, admit it. You want to kill me. Your dearest wish is to kill me like I did your sister. You're so cute! By the way, is that your cat?"

Subaru glances aside quickly, and notices a black cat with a red collar sitting patiently watching the battle. "No, that's just a stray spirit cat." He tosses a bit of paper with a spell on it at the cat. It lands squarely on the animal's chest, causing it to disappear. "Now if you don't mind, I have to go break its owner's spell which brought her lost love back to life, so she can turn into a mindless dribbling vegetable for the rest of her life."

Seishiro shrugs. "Oh well, I've lost interest in this fight now that the cat's gone." He disappears.

Arashi and Sorata appear, blocking Subaru's way.

Sorata thrusts a hand out, expecting Suburu to shake it. "Hi there! I'm Sorata, and this here is my woman, Arashi. She's the love of my life, the be all and end all of my existence, the future mother of my children, the..."

Arashi interrupts Sorata. "We are Dragons of Heaven, like you, and Princess Hinoto wants all the dragons to gather together to prepare for the coming battle. Will you join us?"

Subaru ignores Sorata's hand. "Sorry, not interested." He begins to walk around them.

Arashi frowns. "But don't you want to fight for humanity?"

"Not especially. All I want to do is fulfill my wish." Subaru walks away.

Arashi takes a step after him. "But..."

Sorata bars her way as she starts to go after Subaru. "Leave him be. He has issues. Besides, with him out of the way, you can spend more time with me!"

PART FOUR: The sidewalk of a busy street. Daisuke, healed up from his fight with Kamui, hangs up the phone and steps out of the phone booth to talk to Yuzuriha. Both are in their school uniforms. Inuki sits by Yuzuriha.

"Well, it looks like we'll have to wait to meet up with Seiichiro." says Daisuke. "Princess Hinoto won't be pleased at the delay. She's really anxious to gather all the Dragons of Heaven together. What a coincidence that the Dragon of Heaven who loaned Miss Arashi his umbrella should turn out to be my uncle, an editor at a publishing house. Well, since he can't meet with us now, what would you like to do, Yuzuriha?"

Yuzuriha brightens immediately. "Ice cream! Let's go get ice cream. No wait, I'll get us some. You stay here." She runs off with Inuki through the park, sees a man in khaki army fatigues feeding the birds and stops, then runs toward him, scattering pigeons in her wake.

Kusanagi jumps into a defensive army stance. "Yikes! It's that weird little girl."

Yuzuriha bounds up to him. "Hi again! I'm Yuzuriha. I forgot to tell you that before. Want me to tell you about my traumatic childhood growing up with an invisible spirit dog that no one else could see so they called me a liar?"

Kusanagi relaxes out of his defensive posture. "Uh, sure. I'm Kusanagi, and I'm at least ten years older than you and I have nothing in common with a ditzy schoolgirl, but what the heck, it's my day off."

Yuzuriha, completely forgetting Daisuke, relates her sad story of childhood misunderstanding as the hours pass and the sun begins to set. "So that's why I reacted like I did when I found out you could see Inuki. You're the only one who'd understand. So what about your life's story?"

Kusanagi surreptitiously wipes away a tear. "Oh mine's not interesting like yours. Weren't you supposed to be meeting someone?"

Yuzuriha jumps up. "You're right! I've got to go. I'll see you later!" She runs off smiling to herself. "I think I'm in love!"

Yuzuriha arrives back at Daisuke, who passed out from hunger, just as Seiichiro shows up.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Seiichiro apologizes. "How ever can I make it up to you?"

Yuzuriha jumps up and down. "Ice cream! Give me ice cream!"

Daisuke wakes up. "Food, water, anything...!"

PART FIVE: Six minutes to midnight. The Togakushi Shrine in Fuma and Kotori's backyard. Fuma is sitting under a tree in the dark when Kamui shows up.

"Kamui? What are you doing here?" asks Fuma, perplexed.

Kamui hands him the letter he received from Karen the day of the funeral. "I'm here to pick up my sword, then I will leave forever because staying might place you and Kotori in danger."

Fuma jumps up for joy. "See! You do care! You remembered our childhood pact to protect each other and be friends forever. You've only just been pretending not to care." He rushes over and gives Kamui a big hug.

Kamui does not return it. "Whatever."

Fuma pulls back from the hug to peer down at the smaller boy. "You know you can count on me if you ever need help, right? Promise you will call me if you need anything, please? Promise? Huh? Promise?"

"Oh alright." harrumphs Kamui ungraciously.

Kamui enters the Togakushi shrine, Fuma hot on his heels to find his wounded aunt on the floor, menaced by golem wraiths in black suits. Kamui disintegrates them easily and kneels by his aunt.

Aunt Tokiko smiles piteously. "Kamui, you're just in time. I'm about to give birth to the Shincan sword."

Fuma frowns. "Funny, you don't look pregnant."

Aunt Tokiko notices him and replies, "Neither did your mother, Saya, when she volunteered to take Kamui's mom's place and give birth to the other Shincan sword six years ago."

"Hey, my mom died in the hospital, though come to think of it, when Kotori and I sneaked a peek through the operating room window, it kind of looked like her body had exploded, and yeah, now that you mention it, the doctor was holding some kind of sword. And here I thought all this time that it was just a surgical instrument!" said Fuma wonderingly.

Kamui begins to glare. "You're telling me that my mother allowed Fuma's mom to die horribly in her place?"

"Well, Fuma's mom's name was Saya after all, and in Japanese Saya means scabbard."

Fuma and Kamui exclaim in unison, "OOH! Plot foreshadowing!"

Aunt Tokiko smiles one last time. "Now, if you'll excuse me I have to levitate and die spectacularly. The sword that is about to be born must be placed in the super special safety pentagram to await the Final Battle. This is my destiny."

Tokiko rises into the air, shredding clothes and flesh until all that's left is a bloodstained sword and a huge puddle of blood splatter along the floor and walls.

Fuma wrinkles his nose. "Eew, gross!"

Kotori enters unexpectedly from the doorway. "What's this? Blood? It's red! Red, Red, Red! Like my mother's blood the day she died. I hate red! I like blue! Blue is better! Levi Strauss blue jean company sells over one billion pairs of blue jeans per year, all dyed blue with indigo!"

Kamui grabs Kotori, and pulls her to his chest to shut her up. She begins to sob hysterically. "Don't look, Kotori. Look at me instead. I am, after all, the cold, reserved hero who is finally beginning to crack and show emotion. I now feel that this is all my fault."

Fuma claps him on the shoulder. "Don't be silly, just because my mother died because your mom wussed out, and my father was beaten up and died because you didn't pick up the Shincan sword on time, is no reason to blame yourself. Plus, I wouldn't want you to change. Kotori and I love you just the way you are – rude, obnoxious, and stand-offish."

A tall, dignified stranger in a three-piece suit and a mustache appears in the doorway of the shrine.

The stranger speaks. "Hello there. I'm the chairman of the CLAMP school, and I've come at the bequest of Miss Tokiko. So, where is she?"

Fuma glances around. "Let's see, she's on the floor, and the ceiling, and there's some of her over in the corner..."

Kamui shoots a hate-filled look at the stranger. "Leave us alone or I'll kill you."

Fuma smiles broadly. "Now, that's the Kamui we all know and love."

The stranger notices that he's stepped in a patch of blood, and moves back. "Ah, I see. Poor Tokiko. Still, one must soldier on. I understand someone has a sword that needs storing? CLAMP school has one of the best, state of the art mystical storage facilities in Japan. Plus, our compound is located inside a nifty looking pentagram star that can't be seen from the ground because it's so vast. Please don't ask why passing airplane pilots have never reported seeing it. Also, we have excellent medical facilities, and I believe the young lady has just collapsed into a catatonic state from shock, so if you wouldn't mind joining me in my helicopter parked conveniently outside, we'll be on our way in a jiffy."

Fuma shrugs. "OK"

"Alright, but only for Kotori's sake. If you try anything I'll still kill you." Kamui grates out, still cradling the girl in his arms.

As they make their way outside the Stranger asks Fuma, "Is he always so prickly?"

"It's what makes him the tortured hero."

Later on, in the helicopter Kotori, lying on a stretcher, dreams. In her dream she's drawn toward a hospital bed where a male patient is hooked up to about a zillion monitors behind mosquito netting.

Kakyo, the figure in the bed, speaks to her. "Kotori, you are a dreamseer like myself. You know the future too."

Kotori floats toward the bed. "Yes, I've seen things. Terrible things. May I see you too?"

Kakyo nods. "Let's go someplace nicer. I hate being seen in these darned hospital gowns that open in the back. They're so drafty. I know, let's go to the beach dreamscape where I used to meet my lost love, Hokuto, who was foully murdered by Seishiro, who by an odd turn of events, I now work with."

Kotori and Kakyo appear on a pristine beach with crystal blue ocean spread in front of them and white seagulls crying and flying about picturesquely overhead.

Kotori spins around happily like Julie Andrews in a mountain meadow in 'The Sound of Music'. "Ooh. The sea is so pretty, and so blue. Did you know that my favorite color is blue? I always wanted to become an indigo dyer when I grew up and..."

Kakyo interrupts quickly. "That's nice, but we both know that's not going to happen. You've decided to sacrifice yourself to save your brother and Kamui."

Kotori pouts. "Let's talk about something else. What's up with this lost love of yours?"

Kakyo stares out at the water. "She's dead, and the sadness of her passing nearly destroyed me, just as losing you will make Kamui very sad as well."

"Gee, doesn't ANYBODY in this story get to keep the girl they fall for? Do all the love story subplots end unhappily?" grumps Kotori.

Kakyo shrugs. "Pretty much."

Kotori stares at the ground and sighs. "I guess I'd better get ready for my death scene. Got any spare angels' wings?"

Kakyo taps his finger on his chin and considers. "I suppose we could cobble some together using the seagull feathers. Those darned birds are always shedding. Ever see the end sequence? The dratted things waft around so much you can barely see the end credits!"

"Thanks. Oh, and by the way, if you happen to see my big brother and Kamui, tell them I love them, and that the future has yet to be determined."

Kakyo starts in surprise. "Huh? What do you mean? Hinoto and I always see the exact same future, the world in desolation with skyscrapers fallen and lots of dust swirls. After all, we are the professional dreamseers. We're the officially sanctioned Dragon of Heaven and Dragon of Earth data gatherers. What we say goes."

Kotori giggles. "Oh Kakyo, you're so silly. Haven't you ever heard of plot foreshadowing?"

Kakyo sighs resignedly. "Amateurs!"

PART SIX: Somewhere deep under the Japanese Diet building, Hinoto, the albino dreamseer cries out.

"Kamui! Kamui! The time of choosing is upon you. You must decide to become a Dragon of Earth and destroy humankind to keep them from polluting the earth, or you must become a Dragon of Heaven and save the world as we know it. Please, Kamui, choose to save us. Er, wait a bit. I'm getting something. If you choose to save humanity your choice will lead to the violent death of someone near and dear to you. Uh, just kidding! Choose however you like. I'm so not taking responsibility for this one."

Kanoe slinks into Hinoto's dream. "Got yourself in a pickle this time, haven't you, sister? This is great news for me. Once Kamui chooses, I'll get a Kamui to play with too. Yummy!"

Hinoto turns sightless eyes toward Kanoe. "Sister, don't take a Kamui into your sick little fantasy world. Have mercy."

Kanoe smirks. "Mercy's for saps. Ciao, big sister."

Meanwhile at CLAMP school, Kamui, bearing the Shincan sword, walks down the hallway toward Kotori's room. As he walks, he talks to himself.

"Okay, everyone keeps bugging me to choose to be a Dragon of Heaven or Earth. While my mom was burning to death, the last thing she told me was to become stronger and protect my loved ones. I love Kotori, and Fuma. Therefore I should choose to be a Dragon of Heaven so that they can live, because if I choose to be a Dragon of Earth, then I'd have to kill them and every other human being on the planet. Well, that was easy. I'll be a Dragon of Heaven." Feeling inordinately pleased with himself for figuring that one out, Kamui places his hand on the doorknob and enters Kotori's room where Fuma sits at her bedside.

Fuma turns and stares at the boy. "Not so fast, Kamui. Every action, every choice has a consequence."

Kamui takes a step back. "Fuma, what red eyes you have."

"The better to see my destiny with."

Kamui takes another step back. "Fuma, how low your voice has become."

"The better to give dramatic pronouncements with. Kamui," (Fuma's voice lowers even further until it's almost in the bass range) "I am your TWIN STAR." Fuma grabs Kamui by the throat and knocks him across the room, stealing his sword, grabbing Kotori's prone body from off the bed and hightailing it to the rooftop where he ties Kotori to a cross-shaped girder and waits.

Kamui races up the stairs and stops in shock as Fuma, perched on top of the girder, raises the Shincan sword to murder his sister. "Fuma! What are you doing?"

"Because you chose to be a Dragon of Heaven, I must now become your opposite, a Dragon of Earth. This means I'm now a complete sociopath with cool looking red eyes." Fuma leaps off the girder, slams Kamui into a concrete slab and plunges the sword into his hand, pinning him there as cords whip around Kamui's body, restraining him.

"Ouch! Are you crazy? What happened to the nice, friendly big brotherly type guy you used to be?"

Fuma gives an evil grin. "Gone with the wind. Now, to further gross you out, I will lick blood from you. See what a psycho I am?"

"Have you considered therapy?" suggests Kamui.

"Therapy? I spit on the notion of therapy. Besides, I'm supposed to be this way, I'm a Dragon of Earth. Watch now as I kill my once-beloved sister." Fuma jumps back onto the girder and plunges the Shincan sword through her heart. "This is called irony. By choosing to become a Dragon of Heaven to protect Kotori, you actually led to her death, and my schizophrenic personality disorder."

Kamui sighs. "Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed."

Kotori's spirit watches as she ascends into the skies of Kakyo's dreamscape with flaps of her angel wings, shedding feathers as she goes. "No kidding!"

END CHAPTER TWO:

Up next: Will Kamui be able to get over Kotori's death and get on with saving mankind? Will the next chapter ever be finished? Should there be another chapter? Please review and let me know what you think.


	3. Middles continued

Disclaimer: This is a parody of X. X, the characters, plot, etc. do not belong to me.

Note to reviewers: At the risk of sounding mushy, I really love you guys! Thanks so much for re-reviewing. Seneti – I promise to keep re-writing, Takako san – your comments always make me smile, and Meirav – thanks for your encouragement, and for taking the time to review all over again.

Warning: The story contains plot spoilers. It is also incredibly silly.

X PARODY CHAPTER THREE: MIDDLES CONTINUED

PART ONE: Hinoto, the albino dream seer of the Dragons of Heaven dreams on under the Japanese Diet building's basement. Her sister, Kanoe, invades her dream.

"So, Kamui has chosen to be a Dragon of Heaven." Hinoto says, sadly.

Kanoe gloats. "And Fuma is now a Dragon of Earth, and therefore mine all mine! Mine to play with, mine to manipulate, and mine to smarm all over as I always do in my own inimitable style."

"Kanoe, you can't keep thinking of the Dragons of Heaven as your own private playthings. They are not dolls, they're human beings."

"Hah! You're just jealous because your Kamui doll is broken. Well I won't share my Fuma doll with you ever."

Hinoto sighs. "You always were a spoiled brat."

Kanoe sticks out her tongue and exits the dream, leaving shattered black shards in her wake.

Meanwhile, in a bed at the tastefully decorated CLAMP school, Kamui lies unconscious, still in a state of shock after witnessing the death of Kotori by her own brother, his friend Fuma. The Dragons of Heaven nearest to his age, Subaru, Sorata, Arashi, and Yuzuriha gather around his bedside.

Sorata shakes Kamui. "Hey! Wake up! Get out of bed or no breakfast!"

Arashi glares at him. "It's two o'clock in the afternoon, Sorata. Your threat of 'no breakfast' doesn't make sense."

Sorata shrugs. "It always worked on me back at the monastery."

Arashi leans in close to Kamui and whispers, "If you don't wake up, the final battle will never be fought, and I'll be stuck with this clown for eternity." She slaps him across the face, hard. "Now snap out of it."

"Hey!" yelps Sorata.

Yuzuriha shoves past Arashi and Sorata. "I know! Ice cream. Kamui, if you come back I'll give you ice cream!" When there is no reaction from Kamui, Yuzuriha sighs. "Well, if that didn't work, I don't know what will."

Subaru rolls up his sleeves and stands by the bed. "Step aside and let the master have a shot. I will now mumble an incomprehensible magic incantation and invade Kamui's subconscious, speaking directly to his inner child, and convincing him to come out and play."

Sorata looks on admiringly. "Now why didn't I think of that?"

"Because thinking requires a brain?" asks Arashi sweetly.

Subaru leans in close to Kamui and places his forehead against the younger boy's head. He merges with Kamui's consciousness and emerges into a whirling vortex. At the center a small boy, sobbing disconsolately, stands next to a bloody Shincan Sword.

"Boy, why are you crying?"

The Younger Kamui sobs, "Because Fuma killed Kotori and now the sword's all dirty and it's all my fault."

Subaru kneels by the child. "Kamui, once I was like you. I too, lost someone I loved, and I could not stop it from happening. I escaped from reality because it was too painful. But now I have overcome my sorrow and you can too. I will now make you watch a replay of my sister's horrific death in which Seishiro plunges his hand through her heart so she can fall in slow motion to the ground and lose her bead necklace." He presses the 'play' button on the dreamscape and shows Younger Kamui the scene.

"Eew! Gross! Why'd you show me that?" Younger Kamui makes a face.

Subaru's voice lowers. "If you don't come back with me now I'll show it to you again and again." He whips out a remote control and places his finger over the 'rewind' button.

Younger Kamui raises his hands in horror. "No! Anything but that! I hate reruns!"

Back in the bedroom, Kamui wakes up, amid great rejoicing. Soon the leader of the CLAMP school shows up with Karen, dressed in a high necked form fitting red dress with slits up the sides, and Seiichiro dressed in a conservative tan suit, in tow.

The Man From CLAMP addresses Kamui. "Kamui, we have recovered the Shincan sword that Fuma used to skewer your hand, and his sister. It's time to put it in storage." He leads the group down to the garden where a vast circular pool lies with a headless Greek statue of winged victory in the middle.

"Now what?" Kamui asks.

The Man From CLAMP points toward the center of the pool. "Walk forward to the statue, Kamui."

Kamui, carrying the Shincan sword, plunges into the pool and splashes his way to the statue at the center.

The Man From CLAMP points to a dry concrete path set over the pool leading to the statue. "Er, there is actually a walkway."

Kamui turns and gives a basilisk stare. "I am the chosen one, the Dragon of Heaven. I will somehow avenge Kotori's death and bring her brother Fuma's old personality back, and save humanity. Walkway? I don't need your stinking walkway!"

The Man From Clamp sighs, and steps across the walkway, motioning to the other Dragons of Heaven to follow. "Just place your hand on the decorative brass nameplate and get on with it then."

Kamui places his hand on the brass square. Immediately, the water drains off the pool, revealing a massive staircase leading to a vast, high tech subterranean lab with storage modules lining the walls. The Dragons of Heaven descend, following Kamui and the Man From CLAMP.

Yuzuriha squeals as she glances around. "This is so cool! It's like something from a James Bond movie, like when a Missile launches from a secret base in the ocean!"

The Man From CLAMP explains. "This storage facility is in the heart of the pentagram. Many people collaborated in its creation, including the princess Hinoto. Many celebrities, even governments, rent space here." He passes by green tubes containing alien embryos, President Kennedy's missing brain from the Texas autopsy, and the lost Ark of the Covenant. He stops the group at a storage platform. "We must store Kamui's Shincan here and immobilize it so that the other Shincan sword's powers will be useless as well, until the day of the unsealing."

Kamui plunges the Shincan sword into the center of the platform. Chains whip out from the walls of the facility and secure it. A star shaped beam of green light shoots out to the sky, pinpointing the spot where the Shincan is stored. The shock waves ripple out over Tokyo, alerting all the Dragons of Earth, and causing the Dragons of Heaven to cover their ears and wince.

The Man from CLAMP grimaces and mutters, "Great! So much for our reputation for secrecy and security."

PART TWO: Kanoe's lair. Kanoe sits in a strangely carved throne-like stone chair, dressed in her usual skintight black skirt-suit and magenta blouse, unbuttoned to her navel. Nataku - the oddly pale androgynous clone fresh from his storage tube, Yuto - still in his dapper pink suit, Satsuki - the computer nerd girl, Seishiro - sullen and dressed all in black, Kusanagi - still in army fatigues and leaning against the wall, and Kakyo - comatose and slumped against the wall, attend her.

Kanoe speaks. "Satsuki, do you have that report on the top secret genetics lab that spawned our dear Nataku yet?"

"My machine, Beast, and I have not yet been able to break their security codes." answers Satsuki in a monotone voice.

Kanoe's face twists in disappointment. "Rats. Yuto! Get me some coffee! I need caffeine!"

Yuto runs over with a porcelain teacup. "Yes, dear. Right away. I love to serve."

Kanoe hugs herself gleefully. "Fuma is getting closer! I can feel it!"

Fuma enters Kanoe's throne room. "I have arrived."

Kanoe jumps up from the chair and throws herself at Fuma, hugging him. "I'm so glad you're here."

Fuma tosses her aside and walks over to sit in Kanoe's throne. "I know everyone's wishes, and I can grant them, if I feel like it."

"Isn't he cool?!?" asks Kanoe rhetorically, sitting on the floor where she landed after Fuma threw her down.

Nataku falls at Fuma's feet and lays his head on Fuma's knee. "I only wish to stay here with you. See? I'm fawning all over you like a puppy dog because you remind me of my dad."

Fuma pats Nataku on the head. "Nice puppy. I will grant your wish because I like fawning. Now, go fetch me my Shincan sword." Nataku runs gleefully away to comply.

Satsuki stares at Fuma. "That is illogical. Nataku is a clone. He cannot have a father, he is only a copy of another human. Humans are dull. Anyways, how can you possibly grant wishes?"

Fuma smirks. "I'm the Head Dragon of Earth. I know everything."

Satsuki points at Kakyo slumped on the ground. "Then what's his wish?"

Fuma smiles. "That's an easy one. He wants to die, to rejoin his lost love in death since he can no longer be with her in life, since Seishiro killed her. Soon I will kill him, but not until I've wrung every last bit of prophetic information he possesses out of him. I just love granting wishes that give everyone what they want. I get to indulge my murderous tendencies and he gets to be murdered."

"Boring! I'm going back to Beast." Satsuki turns on her heel and leaves the room.

"Don't you just love him?" gushes Kanoe.

PART THREE: Underneath the Japanese Diet Building. Princess Hinoto sits in the middle of her shrine, attended by her two female servants and Daisuke, kneeling respectfully at a distance.

The attendants touch her robes respectfully. "Dear Princess, you work yourself too hard. Let us get you some medicinal tea so that you can have a private conversation which Daisuke who we both feel has a huge crush on you." The girls run away giggling.

Daisuke blushes. "Princess, I assure you I have the utmost respect for you, and for your gift of seeing the fate of the world. I just wish you did not have to bear such a heavy burden."

"Actually, it hasn't been so heavy lately. My dreams are being blocked. In fact, I may lose my dream seeing ability altogether, then there would be no need for you to guard me."

Daisuke speaks emotionally, eyes lowered. "Even though I've been told since day one that I was born to guard you, which I've been doing for the past eight years (without pay, or medical/dental benefits) I'd do it willingly all over again."

"Oh Daisuke!" Hinoto turns her blind red eyes, beginning to mist up sentimentally, in his general direction.

"Oh Hinoto!" Daisuke looks up from his respectful bowed position and gazes at her adoringly.

"Oh Daisuke!" Hinoto clasps her hands in joy.

The female attendants enter with a tea tray, observe the couple and comment (to each other), "Oh brother, they're at it again." They stop, bow, and say, "Princess, the Dragons of Heaven are here to see you." The Dragons troop in en masse.

Kamui moves forward to confront Hinoto. "I've got a question for you. Did you know what would happen to Kotori? And Fuma?"

"Yes, I did know." answers the blind seer.

Daisuke jumps defensively in front of Hinoto, along with the two female attendants who strike up defensive ninja poses: "Back off, angst boy." Daisuke growls. "Hinoto had a good reason for what she did. Leave her alone."

Seiichiro places his hand on Daisuke's shoulder. "Calm down, nephew. We must all trust one another if we are to work together."

"Can't we all just get along?" whines Sorata plaintively. "I get along real well with Miss Arashi!"

Arashi sniffs dismissively.

Yuzuriha breaks in with, "Can we go for ice cream? I'm hungry!"

Hinoto lifts a hand towards her female servants. "Attendants, please go get ice cream for everyone."

The attendants leave grumbling. "If we'd known all we were going to be were glorified waitresses we wouldn't have wasted ten years of our lives on ninja training."

Hinoto speaks. "It was Kotori's destiny to die, there was nothing I could do, just as I could do nothing to halt the cruel fates of Kotori's mother, your mother, and your aunt. If you hadn't become a Dragon of Heaven, then Fuma would have taken that job and you would have become a Dragon of Earth and you would have murdered Kotori."

"Oh." Kamui pauses to think a minute then says, "Is there no way to change Fuma back to the annoyingly cheerful twit he used to be?"

Hinoto ponders. "I...don't know. My dreams have not revealed this, but logic dictates that if you do manage to change him back, his memories will be intact. Everything he's done will stay with him. Regardless, your destiny is set. At least it was until my dreams stopped coming."

"Destiny Shmestiny." grouses Kamui. "I will now devote my life to changing Fuma back so he can go through the torments of hell knowing that he brutally murdered his sister, the only family member he had left."

"We'll go with you!" The Dragons of Heaven chime in, in unison.

Kamui brushes them off. "No, stay here and eat ice cream."

Daisuke steps up to Kamui. "I'll walk you out. I now feel bad about not trusting you earlier." Daisuke and Kamui get into the elevator.

Suddenly Hinoto gasps. "Daisuke!" Her bowl of ice cream drops to the floor and shatters. "I had a dream, a dream..." She collapses, sobbing.

The Dragons and her attendants gather around (except Yuzuriha and Karen.)

Yuzuriha swallows a spoonful of ice cream. "Do you think we should go after Daisuke and warn him Hinoto just had a dream about him?"

Karen glances longingly at Yuzuriha's bowl of ice cream and replies. "Sure, I'll hold onto your ice cream for you."

Yuzuriha clutches the ice cream protectively as the spirit dog, Inuki, moves in front of her to snarl threateningly. "On second thought, I'm sure he'll be fine!"

In the elevator, Daisuke and Kamui eye each other uncomfortably.

Kamui clears his throat. "Ahem. Now that I am the new, improved, Dragon of Heaven Kamui, I will show an uncharacteristic interest in those that I have wronged. How are the wounds I gave you when I ground your face into the concrete at the construction site when we first met?"

Daisuke, looking exceedingly uncomfortable, answers. "Uh, fine. Water under the bridge. Don't mention it. Besides," He turns red and stares at the ground. "I may have said some pretty, well, nasty things about you that day."

Kamui responds gruffly, also staring at the ground. "Yeah well, I'm.......sorry."

Daisuke pulls at the collar of his school uniform. "Can we talk about something else? How 'bout those force fields?"

Kamui grumbles, "I can't make force fields."

"What?"

Kamui repeats the sentence, loudly. "I CAN'T MAKE FORCE FIELDS!"

"Gee, I thought all Dragons of Heaven could."

"Well, I can't." mutters Kamui, miserably.

A long silence ensues. Daisuke breaks it.

"Bummer."

As they step out of the elevator and walk through the building's entrance, both look up as a massive explosion rocks the city.

Kamui's gaze sharpens. "That explosion, I think it was caused by a Dragon of Earth."

Daisuke looks around then points. "Yeah, and it's coming from that top secret genetics laboratory over there. Let's go!"

PART FOUR: At the ruins of the genetics lab, the elderly head researcher lies pinned to the ground by chunks of fallen concrete. Nataku, the pale clone, stands over him.

"Nataku, why would you do such a thing? Why destroy the lab that was your home for so long?" asks the old man, feebly trying to extricate himself.

"Because my new master asked me to!" responds Nataku.

"What new master?"

Fuma grins evilly and appears from behind the wreckage of the lab. "It is I, Fuma, the 'Other Kamui'."

The Head Researcher cranes his neck to get a glimpse of the dark clad villain. "Huh? So what is your name? Kamui, or Fuma?"

"My name is Kamui." asserts Fuma, angrily.

The Head Researcher looks confused. "But I thought you just said it was Fuma."

"It was Fuma, but now it is Kamui, the Dragon of Earth, not to be confused with Kamui the Dragon of Heaven."

The Head Researcher looks even more confused. "Wait, there's two Kamuis?"

Fuma stamps the ground in frustration. "No! I'm the real Kamui. I'm the only important Kamui."

"So you're the Dragon of...Heaven one then?" asks the Head Researcher doubtfully.

Fuma yells, "No! I'm... oh skip it! Just kill him, Nataku." He pauses, and cocks his head as if listening. "What's this? I sense Kamui approaching. This should be fun."

Kamui reaches the top of a skyscraper next to the demolished lab before Daisuke. "If this building is not strong enough to withstand the coming battle, many innocent people will die. Funny, I never used to care about innocent people or property damage before, but now that I'm the new and improved Dragon of Heaven Kamui, I find I'm vaguely interested in them now."

Fuma jumps up onto the skyscraper to confront Kamui. "Still haven't figured out how to do force fields yet, Kamui?"

"How did you know?"

Fuma smirks. "Because I get to be the cool Dragon, the Dragon of Earth, and I know everything." He grabs Kamui by the throat and smashes him with a burst of raw energy until he's unconscious, hanging limply from Fuma's hand.

Daisuke appears, after climbing over a pile of rubble. "Stop that! I'm here to save Kamui."

Fuma drops the now unconscious Kamui, and faces him. "Don't you mean Princess Hinoto? I know people's deepest wishes, and your deepest wish is to protect the princess. You'd even give your life for her, wouldn't you? I know ALL your secret wishes about the princess. The little house with the white picket fence in the suburbs with the dog in the yard, the SUV and the patter of the feet of little pink eyed children playing hide and go seek and...."

Daisuke raises his hands in a shushing movement, in a panic. "Shut up you idiot! She's a dream seer, that means she can hear what you're saying!" He begins spinning a wind spell.

Fuma shakes his head mockingly. "Oh please! You're so pathetic! Wish number one granted. You die." He nonchalantly sends an energy blast that annihilates Daisuke.

Kamui wakes up. "Fuma! You slime-ball! You killed Daisuke, the one ally I actually tried to be nice to!" He plunges his hand through Fuma's shoulder.

Fuma grabs Kamui's arm and pulls it out of his body, regarding Kamui's bloody hand dispassionately. "Hah hah, you missed my heart."

Kamui stares, incredulous. "There's something seriously wrong with you." He looks at Fuma staring intently at the bloody hand, attached to his arm which is still locked in Fuma's grip, and asks suspiciously, "You're not going to lick blood off me again are you?"

Fuma considers a moment then says, "No, that would be trite. I will now throw you to the ground instead of finishing you off, and look; I'm not even hurt! Pain means nothing to me. You, on the other hand..." He throws Kamui against a chain link fence.

Kamui flies through the air, remarking, "You know, Fuma, this is not the way to win friends and influence people." He lands hard and is knocked unconscious.

Subaru appears at the edge of the building and attempts to blast Fuma, who dodges it easily and confronts him.

"Look at me, Subaru." Fuma changes one of his brown eyes to milky grey.

Subaru is taken aback. "Yikes! You now look like Seishiro, the Dragon of Earth who murdered my sister! The resemblance is incredible."

"Ha ha! Made you look!" Fuma sends a barrage of rocks Subaru's way, which knocks him off his feet. Fuma leisurely walks over and kicks him. "I'm the Dragon of Earth who knows everyone's secret wish. I will now poke you in the eye, blinding you in that eye." He does so.

"Aargh!"

Fuma regards his handiwork proudly. "Your second best wish has now been granted. For your first best wish, you'll have to apply to Seishiro. You've now been blinded in the left eye. Now you look like Seishiro too."

Subaru raises his head, his hand over his bloody eye. "Did you say left?"

"Why yes, I did."

Subaru groans. "It's the right eye that Seishiro is blind in, you idiot!" He yells, and faints from the pain.

Fuma shrugs. "Hey, nobody's perfect. I will now unaccountably run away even though I have two Dragons of Heaven knocked out cold, completely at my mercy, practically begging to be killed." He exits.

PART FIVE: Outside Subaru's sick room, Sorata, Arashi, and Yuzuriha wait anxiously by the door. Kamui exits, looking grim and unapproachable as usual.

Sorata leans against the wall. "Ya know, it seems like we four always end up together, without the older Dragons of Heaven. Why is that?"

Arashi answers icily. "Perhaps because Karen and Seiichiro are gainfully employed and have jobs? Unlike you?"

"I'm the lovable high school student! I'm not supposed to have a job, or any homework either, come to think of it." ends Sorata, looking thoughtful.

Yuzuriha chimes in, "I think Mr. Seiichiro is actually out looking for the Dragons of Earth since Princess Hinoto can't seem to see them in her dreams anymore."

Sorata kicks at the hallway's carpet desultorily. "Yeah, she really hasn't been much help for a prophetess."

Suddenly, Kamui punches a hole in the wall and leaves his fist there, posing dramatically. "It's all my fault. I couldn't stop Fuma from killing Daisuke."

Sorata thumps him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. I couldn't stop Fuma from beating the snot out of you earlier in the story either."

Yuzuriha jumps up and down. "Me neither! I couldn't help in time either!"

Arashi crosses her arms and looks glum. "None of us could."

A long depressed silence ensues.

"Well paint an "L" on our foreheads and call us losers!" Sorata says in a loud voice.

Kamui growls. "I don't need your pity! Or your feeble attempts at humor, commiseration, sympathy, good will, friendship, empathy, or anything else. I am the tortured hero. I will now go off on my own." He stomps off.

Yuzuriha looks after him. "Maybe we should go help look for the Dragons of Earth. I'll go look in all the ice cream shops. C'mon Inuki!" Brightening, she scampers off with her spirit dog.

Sorata straightens his posture. "I agree! But I don't think we should split up. It's too dangerous. So, Missy, if you'll just step this way..." Sorata bows and extends a hand, pointing down the corridor to his left.

Arashi turns and walks in the opposite direction from where Sorata is pointing down the corridor.

Sorata calls after her. "You're weakening! Deep down you know I'm growing on you!"

"Like a fungus, maybe." Arashi mutters to herself as she leaves.

PART SIX: A bridge spanning Tokyo Bay. Seishiro, crow-like in a long black trench coat and sunglasses waits for Subaru.

Subaru appears at one end of the bridge and walks toward his archenemy, Seishiro, who begins walking toward him as well. They reach each other and stop. Seishiro gets out a package of cigarettes.

Seishiro speaks first. "Got a light?"

Subaru gets out a cigarette lighter and lights Seishiro's cigarette. Seishiro smirks slightly and continues walking down the bridge, past Subaru.

Subaru pipes up,"Uh, excuse me? Weren't we supposed to fight?"

Seishiro stops, and smiles mockingly. "Drat, I knew I was forgetting something. How cute you are for reminding me. Well, let's get to it."

Subaru whips out a pack of cards with mystical symbols stenciled on them and hurls them at Seishiro. The cards turn into white birds, which are pulped when they hit Seishiro's force field. Subaru counters by putting up a big green barrier field around the bridge.

"Fuma-Kamui told me that only I can fulfill your wish. You want to kill me because I murdered your sister, don't you?" Seishiro throws a bunch of black cards at Subaru that turn into rocks.

Subaru, dodging the rocks, sends an energy burst Seishiro's way. "Nope. Guess again."

Seishiro hurls a huge ball of eldritch energy at Subaru while jumping onto one of the support pylons on the bridge. "You want to kill my sister to even the score?"

Subaru twists to avoid it and returns fire with another energy blast as he, too, leaps up on a different support pylon. "You don't have a sister."

Seishiro causes the bridge cables near Subaru to snap and wrap around his body, imprisoning him. "Well, if you want to kill my mother you're too late, I already did."

Subaru takes a breath and snaps the cables, which somehow turned into cherry tree vines. "That's not it either, and I'm not even going to ask about your warped familial relationships."

Both leap up into the air and continue the fight.

"It's killing me, isn't it? You're just being coy."

Subaru glares. "I already told you! That's not it. My true wish is..."

A great lightning burst appears as Subaru and Seishiro crash together and land on the ruined bridge. A horrified Subaru pulls his now bloodied hand out of Seishiro's chest cavity.

Subaru gasps. "Dang it! That wasn't supposed to happen! Wait a minute, how exactly did that happen? I don't remember aiming my hand at you."

Seishiro coughs and slides forward onto Subaru's shoulder. "Well, it could be that last spell your pesky sister, Hokuto, cast as she lay dying in my arms. You see, she..." He coughs again. "Oh heck with it. Just watch the flashback!"

PART SEVEN: The courtyard outside a temple. Beneath the branches of a blossom laden cherry tree, a younger looking Seishiro hold a dying temple priestess, dressed all in white save for the dramatic splash of blood around the hole in her chest.

Hokuto grabs Seishiro's sleeve. "Promise me you won't hurt my little brother."

Seishiro gently disengages her hand. "Sorry, I'm going to kill him, even though I think he's kind of cute."

Hokuto pleads with him. "But if you try to kill him, the spell I just cast will make your actions boomerang and you'll be killed instead, so please don't try to kill him, or you'll die!"

Seishiro looks down at her wounded chest. "Look, kid, I just killed you. Why would you care if I died?"

Hokuto giggles as she reaches up to touch his cheek. "I've got a soft spot for sociopaths. Didn't you know? We nice girls always fall for the rude obnoxious types." She dies.

PART EIGHT: Back on the bridge.

Subaru speaks emotionally. "For years, I tried to find you to avenge my sister's death, but I realized that I couldn't hope to match you. So then I just tried to become good enough and skilled enough so that you'd consider me a worthy enough opponent to fight. You see, my true wish was for you to kill me!"

Seishiro looks at him incredulously. "That was your wish?' You could have told me that BEFORE I killed your spell-casting big sister." He ends reproachfully.

"But something's bothering me. If you knew that attacking me would lead to your death, then why'd you attack me?" asks Subaru.

Seishiro grins. "Oh, just to be contrary. We sociopaths thrive on doing the unexpected." He whispers in Subaru's ear and keels over dead.

Subaru frowns. "Darn it, Seishiro. You'll do just about anything to have the last word."

END CHAPTER THREE

Will the Dragons of Heaven ever get their act together and save the world? Will the X characters figure out some other way of killing each other BESIDES shoving their hands through each other's chests? Will the author ever get on with writing the end of this parody? Review please!


	4. More Middles

Note to reviewers: RyuuRaigeki, the original script format is on if you're still interested in putting it on your site – I'm flattered beyond measure that you'd want to! Seneti, I'll hurry and rewrite the last chapter if you'll update your story too! Takako san, I completely agree with you about the red dress, and you can prance around whenever you like, no need to apologize for doing the happy dance! Last but not least, Meirav – welcome back, and I love your new name (MeyRevived). Thanks again for re-reviewing!

Disclaimer: This is a parody of X. X, the characters, plot, etc. do not belong to me.

Warning: The story contains plot spoilers, besides mangling the plot for the convenience of the author! As always, please do review.

X PARODY CHAPTER 4: MORE MIDDLES

PART ONE: An ice cream shop in Tokyo. Yuzuriha and Kusanagi sit at a booth, eating ice cream.

Yuzuriha bounces for joy in her seat. "Thanks for meeting me here, Mr. Kusanagi! Inuki and I missed you!"

Kusanagi smiles indulgently. "No problem. I love spending my limited time off with kids half my age in ice cream stores. Now what did you want to know about me?"

"Absolutely everything!" Yuzuriha cries.

At that moment a pink lightning bolt strikes somewhere in the city outside the ice cream shop's window.

Yuzuriha begins edging herself out of the booth. "Oh, I uh, just remembered something I've got to do. I've got to go."

Kusanagi ostentatiously looks at his watch. "Gee, look at the time. By a strange coincidence, I too have just remembered something I've got to do." Both run out the door like the hounds of hell are on their heels.

Yuzuriha runs toward lightning bolt as an earthquake begins to destroy the city. Thinking fast, she erects a green force shield to minimize the danger. Machine cables thrust their way out of buildings and attempt to capture her. "Yikes! Whichever Dragon of Earth you are, you should know that what you are doing is very wrong!" She whips out her spirit sword and cuts the cables as she leaps to the top of a building along with Inuki, the dog. "Why would you do such a mean, horrible thing? Don't you care that you could kill innocent people?"

From the wall of a skyscraper a flat screen pulls itself off the wall hangs mid air, held aloft by cables, and confronts Yuzuriha. Satsuki's face appears in the screen.

"Why is it wrong to kill humans?" asks Satsuki from the screen. "Humans kill other creatures, so logically shouldn't they be killed as well?"

"What?!" Exclaims Yuzuriha.

Satsuki's emotionless voice continues. "It's a simple question. What's so special about humans? Why not kill them all? After all, they kill animals. What's the difference?"

"Because only psychos kill other humans just for the heck of it?" offers Yuzuriha uncertainly.

Satsuki's image sniffs. "That answer does not compute. I will place it in the form of a syllogism. All psychos kill humans for the heck of it. I kill humans for the heck of it. Therefore I am a psycho. Hmm. I don't like that one. I will try again. It is wrong to kill humans for the heck of it. Dogs are not humans. Therefore it is OK to kill dogs. I will now kill your dog just to see how you react." She sends cables to kill Yuzuriha's dog.

"Inuki!" Yuzuriha exclaims, and begins to sob hysterically. "It's all my fault because I couldn't answer the pop quiz question! I couldn't remember why it's wrong to kill humans."

Kusanagi appears, grabs Yuzuriha, and pulls her to safety. "Sure you do. It's grief! Killing humans causes grief, therefore killing humans is bad."

Yuzuriha continues crying hysterically.

Kusanagi begins to look desperate as Yuzuriha continues to cry. "Please don't cry. I'm a big softhearted male who can't stand to see a girl cry. What can I do to stop you? I know! How about we go shopping for new clothes since your school uniform's pretty thrashed?"

Yuzuriha sniffles and looks at him inquisitively. "Can we stop for ice cream?"

"Will you stop crying?"

Yuzuriha gulps back tears and smiles. "It's a deal."

Meanwhile back in Kanoe's lair in the room where Beast, Satsuki's super computer resides, the cables attaching Satsuki to the machine retract and she sits up.

"Curious. The girl grieves over a dumb animal. That is illogical."

Yuto strolls into the room, dressed in his usual dapper pink suit. "Not necessarily. All humans grieve over un-necessary deaths."

Satsuki looks at him. "I don't"

Yuto wrinkles his brow, consideringly. "Er, I'm not sure you're entirely human."

"That explains it then."

Later, Yuzuriha walks home in her new outfit, singing show tunes from Rogers and Hammerstein's 'South Pacific'.

"I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love; I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy." Sings Yuzuriha at the top of her lungs.

Fuma appears. "Ah ha, a Dragon of Heaven in a good mood. I will now go and ruin her day." He walks up to Yuzuriha and says, "Pop quiz, think fast. Would you be better off dead or not?"

Yuzuriha jumps back. "Ack! A Dragon of Earth!" She erects a barrier field as Fuma chases her across the Tokyo landscape, thrashing buildings in his wake until he traps her at the edge of a spit of concrete high above the city.

Fuma grins. "You're dog's dead, you might as well too. You really want to die, don't you? It's your lucky day! I grant wishes." He approaches, and draws back his hand to plunge it through her chest.

Yuzuriha lifts her hands defensively. "No! If I die, the barrier field will fail and lots of people will die. Plus, I'll never eat ice cream again." A little dog spirit appears at the word "ice cream" and attacks Fuma.

Fuma jumps back and nearly runs into Kusanagi, watching from behind a stack of rubble. "Planning to kill me, Kusanagi?"

Kusanagi answers sarcastically. "Why would I want to do that? You're such a charmer. Picking on little girls, masterminding the end of all humanity. What's not to like?"

Fuma, completely missing the sarcasm, smiles. "Why thank you."

PART TWO: A typical government building. Karen stands at a writing cubicle filling out forms as Seiichiro walks by with a preoccupied look on his face, clutching a thin sheaf of papers in his hand.

Karen muses to herself. "Oh look, there's Seiichiro. What a complete coincidence that we both happen to be filing government forms on the same day."

Seiichiro walks up to one of the bank teller like windows manned by none other than Yuto, in his spiffy pink suit. "Hi, I'd like to file for divorce."

Karen nearly overbalances as she leans closer to eavesdrop. "Goodness! I thought he was one of the nice guy types who stays married!"

Yuto frowns. "Are you sure? You look like one of those nice guys who stays married."

Seiichiro sighs. "Yes, I'm sure. You see there's a cataclysmic battle coming and I want to protect my wife by divorcing her, so my enemies won't come after her because they'll think I don't love her anymore."

"Gee, what a swell thing to do. Unfortunately, by a strange coincidence, it turns out that I'm a Dragon of Earth and therefore one of your enemies, so your plan is a bit off. By the way, does your wife know why you're dumping her?" Yuto asks, brightly.

Seiichiro looks abashed. "Uh, no. I forgot to tell her."

"Riiight." Yuto lets a few seconds go by then continues. "Want to fight later at the Tokyo Train station?"

Seiichiro shrugs. "Sure. Why not?" He walks away from the window.

Karen catches up to Seiichiro. "Seiichiro! We need to talk. Want to have some tea?"

Later on, at Karen's apartment, Seiichiro and Karen sit on the sofa and talk.

Seiichiro picks up a bedraggled looking teddy bear from the sofa. "Nice bear."

Karen smiles and puts the stuffed toy on a chair and pours it a cup of tea, then one for herself and Seiichiro. "So, filing for divorce to protect your family, huh?"

Seiichiro takes the tea. "Yes, but after the battle when this is all over, I'll remarry my wife."

Karen smiles sadly. "I knew it. All the good men are already taken. Well, since you've got a family who loves you, I should go fight Yuto in your place. After all, I don't have a family who'd miss me or cry over me if I should die. Except Mr. Bear," she nods at the teddy bear, "and he can't cry."

Seiichiro sets his teacup down, alarmed. "Absolutely not. Nice guys who always stay married like me have a noble streak a mile wide. I couldn't possibly agree to that."

Karen smiles again. "I knew that too. That's why I drugged your tea."

Seiichiro says, "...?" Thud. He falls over.

Later at Tokyo train station, Karen waits in a long, full-length form fitting black dress. Nataku shows up.

Karen frowns. "Hey! You're not Yuto."

Nataku stares at her. "You're not Seiichiro."

"What an odd coincidence." Karen comments, bemused. "Looks like we're both fighting in someone else's place."

Nataku comes to a decision. "I will now kill you." He sends fabric tendrils to slice her. Karen jumps away, but her skirt is shredded.

"Darn it! That was a Versace!" Karen throws fire at him. "Knock it off or I'll kill you."

Nataku shrugs. "I don't care." He falls to the ground, singed, as one of Karen's fireballs hits him.

Karen walks up to the prone boy and squats by his side. "Ah, poor kid. You look like a lost and lonely child, just like I used to be. I thought I was an evil demon until a kindly priest set me straight. Through his love and understanding I came to believe in myself." She pats him on the head like a puppy. "I will now bond with you."

Yuto arrives and sends a blast of water that thrusts Karen away from Nataku. "Hey! Break it up there! No bonding allowed!"

Karen sighs. "Oh great, a water demon. First my dress gets ruined and now my hair and makeup are drenched."

Yuto revolves a mass of water around his hand. "Oh please, a beauty like you doesn't need any makeup."

Karen preens happily. "Do you really think so? You're not so bad looking yourself."

"Thanks, but could we get back to trying to kill each other now?" Yuto traps Karen in a column of water, so she begins to drown. "Ah, now you look even prettier. Like a crimson flower stuck under water."

Seiichiro arrives, and sends a blast of wind at the water column, releasing Karen from it. "Let her go!"

"O.K. I have to go tend to Nataku anyhow." Yuto leaps away.

Karen rushes over. "Seiichiro! I thought I drugged you. How did you wake up?"

Seiichiro answers. "I stabbed myself with a fruit knife. There's nothing like a little pain to really focus one's attention, but now I'm going to take a little nap." He falls, unconscious, into Karen's lap.

Karen sighs. "Why is it I always seem to put men to sleep?"

PART THREE: The kitchen of the CLAMP school.

Yuzuriha squeals in excitement. "Yea! Cooking with Sorata! Could you get the lid off the pickle jar for me?" She bends down and picks up her spirit puppy. "Inuki-puppy wants to help too!"

"In a minute." Sorata promises indulgently. "I have to put my arms around Arashi for a second so I can show her how to chop onions."

Arashi glares. "Wouldn't it make more sense to stand by my side and have me WATCH to see how to chop the onions?"

"Yes, but then we wouldn't have a bonding moment where you soften towards me."

Arashi stares, unsoftened.

Later, after dinner, the group visits Hinoto in her shrine under the Japanese Diet building.

Hinoto greets them, and says, "Yuzuriha, is that your new puppy?"

"Yes!" Yuzuriha holds the puppy out toward Hinoto. The dog takes one sniff and bursts into furious barking. "Yipes! Bad Inuki! No barking at princesses. Sorry! I'll just go take him for a little spirit dog potty break."

Kamui steps forward. "You called us here to talk, not play with animals, so spill it."

Hinoto nods. "I had another dream. The Dragons of Earth will strike at two places, the Ginza Strip where they will cause a vast earthquake, and in Inogashira. You must therefore split up into two groups and protect both places."

Kamui shrugs. "Whatever."

Sorata smiles happily, pleased that he has something to do. "Great! Kamui and I will take the Ginza Strip, and you girls go to Inogashira."

Later, on a bridge in Inogashira, Yuzuriha and Arashi chat.

"Arashi, you've got a crush on Sorata don't you?"

Arashi turns pink. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Yuzuriha points at her. "You're blushing! Arashi's sweet on Sorata! Arashi's sweet on Sorata!"

Arashi turns even pinker. "I...I..."

"It's OK, I'm stuck on someone too. He's tall, dark, handsome, and dreamy. Since we both like someone, let's have a slumber party and braid each other's hair and talk about boys!"

Fuma shows up and attacks them with pink lightning bolts.

From across the city, in the Ginza Strip, Kamui and Sorata eye the play of light.

"Looks like a Dragon of Earth showed up in Inogashira to attack the girls." Kamui observes.

Sorata jumps. "Omigosh! I have to go protect Arashi." He begins to run down the street.

Hinoto appears in a huge bird-like spirit form in front of him, blocking his exit. "Wait! Sorata, you and Kamui must stay here in Ginza to protect the innocent civilians from the earthquake. There's going to be a big one in just a few minutes." She disappears in a burst of light.

Sorata wrings his hands. "Dang it! How am I supposed to impress Arashi if I just let her get her butt kicked while I hang out here and do nothing? I know! I'll send a spirit form of myself to save her!" He begins to mutter a spell.

"Sorata..." Kamui begins to speak, then stops when he sees a scrap of paper on the floor where Hinoto disappeared. "Littering? I am Kamui, the new and improved version. I will now pick up the trash. Hmm. Interesting trash."

Back at Inogashira, Fuma knocks Yuzuriha unconscious and throws Arashi across the parking lot. He walks over to her and steps on the back of her neck.

Fuma chortles. "I am the nasty Dragon of Heaven. I also know how to grant wishes, and I'm really good at manipulating people, the same way I used to manipulate the ball at my basketball games. Every useful skill I know about bringing about the end of the world as we know it came from basketball. By the way, you're going to kill Sorata. You know, the guy who said he'd die for you?" He jumps back and hurls a huge chunk of concrete at her.

Arashi stiffens, waiting for an impact that never comes. The concrete is intercepted with a huge wheel shaped spell, which pulverizes it.

Undaunted, Fuma continues. "Yep, the big goofball's gonna die and it will be all your fault." He hurls another chunk of concrete – this time part of a bridge – at her, which is also pulverized.

Arashi cries out, "I will now believe you, even though you are the only one I know who is actively trying to kill Sorata, and place all the guilt of his eventual death on myself."

"I guess my work here is done." Fuma smiles happily, and leaves.

Meanwhile, back in the Ginza Strip...

Sorata lays on the ground, covered in cuts. "Arrgh! Stopping concrete really hurts!"

Kamui kneels beside him. "Sorata. Hang on. Instead of calling for an ambulance, I will now hold you until Miss Arashi gets here so that you can have a touching reunion."

Later at the CLAMP mansion, Sorata recuperates in bed. He wakes up to find Arashi at his side.

Sorata: "Hey, Missy!" He tries to move his right arm and finds it won't move properly.

Arashi's eyes fill with tears. "You're wounded and it's all my fault."

Sorata sits up in dismay. "Hey! Don't cry! I'm not crying and I'm the one who's hurt! I know. Think about food. That always makes me feel better. We can chop some more onions together."

Arashi sobs harder.

"Oh, right, crying and onions go together. Hmm." Sorata thinks for a moment. "I know! I'll cook for you. What do you like? How about Seafood Spaghetti?

Arashi continues to cry.

"What about Japanese food? Teriyaki?"

Arashi cries some more.

"Paella? I make a really good paella!" offers Sorata, desperate now.

Arashi gulps and talks through her sobs. "Will you please shut up about the food already!? I'm trying to show you that I love you."

"Huh?"

"Kiss me you big dummy!" Arashi grabs him in a lip lock.

PART FOUR: Evening. A fountain in the middle of a park in Tokyo. Satsuki (sans Beast) waits for Yuto. He arrives on foot.

Yuto stops in front of her. "Hi Satsuki. Sorry I'm late. Like my cool watch?" He brandishes a wristwatch with an oversized mouse cartoon character.

Satsuki blinks.

Yuto pauses, a little nonplussed by her lack of response. "Here!" He takes the wristwatch off his arm and fastens it on hers. "It's yours. Beautiful night, isn't it?"

Satsuki contemplates the watch as she responds. "The idea of beauty is illogical. Soon all Tokyo will be in ruins, then the rest of the world and after that nearly every living being will be eradicated from the face of the earth."

Yuto beams. "That's what I love about you, Satsuki. Always seeing the bright side."

"When you, along with everyone else on the planet, die, will there be anyone to mourn your passing?" asks Satsuki, emotionlessly.

"Er...Let's talk of more pleasant things. Dinner?" He places his arm around Satsuki's shoulders and leads her away from the fountain.

Back at Kanoe's lair, Beast, the large machine, watches the couple on a monitor, and growls.

PART FIVE: A Tokyo subway station. Karen follows Yuto as he leaves work and steps onto a train.

Karen mutters to herself as she shadows the civil servant. "I know I promised Mr. Seiichiro that I wouldn't try to fight Yuto again on my own, but darn it, he's just such a nice guy. Nice guys who stay married (unless they have to temporarily divorce their wives to protect them) are rare and must be protected at all costs. I will sneak up on Yuto and challenge him to a duel. I'm sure he won't notice me, even though he's met me before, thinks I'm a knockout, and I'm wearing a bright red dress."

Yuto notices Karen and easily loses her by stepping onto a train just as the doors are closing. He glances around the train and sees Seiichiro, engrossed in a newspaper.

Yuto ambles over and sits down next to Seiichiro. "Fancy meeting you here."

Seiichiro looks up inquiringly, and puts aside his newspaper. "Wow, what an amazing coincidence. There seems to be a lot of them going around."

"So, how's work?"

Seiichiro answers politely, "Fine, but hectic. A researcher's life is a lot of work."

"Tell me about it." Yuto says with a sigh. "A civil servant's life isn't much easier. Shuffling all those papers..."

Seiichiro glances at him. "So, you want to hang out?"

Yuto shakes his head. "Sorry, I'm on my way to our top secret Dragons of Earth lair. If I told you where it was I'd have to kill you."

Seiichiro nods. "Say no more, I understand completely. So, now that we've had a pleasant chat, want to have a go at killing each other?"

Yuto shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

They exit the train and end up by the fountain where Satsuki met Yuto earlier.

Satsuki caresses the watch Yuto gave her as she sits in her machine, connected to it by cables. "Beast! Show me where Yuto is."

Yuto and Seiichiro appear on her monitor, fighting inside a barrier field. Seiichiro dodges Yuto's water blast, then takes out the building Yuto is standing on with a wind blast.

Yuto jumps free to the top of another building. "Darn it. You ripped my coat."

Seiichiro prepares to pitch another wind blast at him. "Don't worry, where you're going you won't be needing one. I hear it's rather hot down there."

Still ensconced in her machine, Beast, Satsuki watches the blow by blow. "Beast! We must help Yuto. Send cables. Send lots of cables, and...Ow! Knock that off!" She pushes at a cable that nipped her. Meanwhile, a huge amount of cables reach out from a nearby building and shove Seiichiro through the roof of the building he's standing on.

Yuto saunters over to the edge where Seiichiro is dangling from the cables, and prepares to throw a swirling ball shaped mass of water. "Well, well. Looks like you're an easy kill."

Karen shows up at the edge of the building and zaps the water ball in Yuto's hand with a fire blast. "Not so fast. You're supposed to fight me!"

Yuto grins, ingratiatingly. "Sure, just let me kill him first, then I'll kill you and everyone will be happy."

"Stop it, you monster!" cries Karen.

"Why? Are you in love with him?" asks Yuto inquiringly then begins to chant in a singsong voice, "Karen loves Seiichiro, Karen loves Seiichiro." As he leaps up.

Karen jumps into the air, following him. "Not at all. I'm fighting you because of a grain of wheat."

Yuto lands gracefully as both miss connecting with each other midair. "Come again?"

"You know...a grain of wheat remains one unless it dies, but if it dies it bears much fruit."

Yuto pauses the fight and stares. "We're fighting a duel to the death and you're talking AGRICULTURE?!?"

Karen puts her hands on her hips, exasperated. "It's a line from the Bible, you ignorant boob! It's a metaphor for the rewards of self-sacrifice, and....oh skip it!" She engulfs him in flames. "Just try not to notice the irony, OK?"

"Arrgh!" cries Yuto, beginning to brown crisply around the edges like toast.

Meanwhile, Satsuki begins to panic. "Beast! Beast! You must help Yuto! He gave me this cool watch and....Ack!" More cables connect themselves to Satsuki and make slurping noises. Satsuki collapses, drained.

From the depths of the machine known as beast comes a noise - "Burp!"

Meanwhile, Yuto disappears in the flames, only to reconstitute himself out of a water puddle as Karen, distracted, runs to the edge of the hole, calling out for Seiichiro.

Yuto runs up from behind Karen, and placing a knife to her throat. "Aha, I've got you now, my pretty. Wait a minute. Slashing your throat would be messy and you wouldn't be pretty anymore. I'll have to drown you instead."

Karen reels, as she gets engulfed in a column of water. "Not in this lifetime, waterboy." Grabbing her cross in one hand, she blasts herself and Yuto in one shot.

Seiichiro pulls loose from the cables and runs to Karen's limp body, gathering her prone form in his arms and bending his head down close to her. "Karen! You're wonderful."

Karen glances at him fondly. "I'm so glad I was able to protect you. Mission accomplished. I think I'll die now." She dies.

Yuto lies dying by the fountain. "Well, all that and now I have to miss tea with Kanoe and Satsuki. That's the last time I use the Tokyo subway system!" He too keels over and dies.

"What's with all this death? Every time I turn around someone else gets dead!" exclaims Seiichiro.

Meanwhile, the super computer, Beast watches from Kanoe's lair. "Shocking, these modern youngsters. It's all that rap music and those violent movies I've been monitoring, I'm sure." He burps and spits out a watch with a cartoon mouse on it. "Pardon me!"

END CHAPTER FOUR

Will this parody ever end? Do you want to read the end? Then please review!


	5. Endings

Note to reviewers: Thanks to Takako san, Seneti, and RuyyRaigeki for re-reviewing. I owe you guys!

Disclaimer: This is a parody of X. X, the characters, plot, etc. do not belong to me.

Warning: The story, as always, contains plot spoilers

X PARODY CHAPTER FIVE: ENDINGS

PART ONE: Hinoto's lair under the Japanese Diet building.

Hinoto floats in dream state on a mirror. "It's all so horrible! I can see an awful future for the earth but there's nothing I can do to change it. If only someone would come along and take this dreadful responsibility away from me."

From out of nowhere theVoice From The Mirror intones, "I will!"

Hinoto thrashes agitatedly. "Who is there?"

An image of Hinoto appears in the mirror, comes to life, and sits beside her. "Tis I! Your evil twin!" says the Voice From the Mirror.

"Waitaminute!" exclaims Hinoto. "I don't have an evil twin. All I have is a bratty younger sister named Kanoe. Hey, she didn't put you up to this did she?"

The Mirror Hinoto giggles. "Heavens to Betsy, no! I didn't mean I was your literal evil twin, I meant only that I was the selfish twisted part of your psyche. I'm your dirty little schizophrenic secret."

Hinoto frowns, puzzled. "What are you talking about? I'm the official dream seer of the Dragons of Heaven, I don't have a selfish side! I'm not mentally disturbed, I'm one of the good guys."

"Just keep telling yourself that, honey. Maybe you'll believe it some day."

"You're not a part of me and I won't listen to you." Hinoto puts her hands over her ears. "See? I can't hear you anymore. La la la la la. Nope. I don't hear a thing. La la la la la...

Mirror Hinoto sighs. "And she says she's not crazy. Sheesh!"

Meanwhile, on a Tokyo street leading to a park where Yuzuriha and spirit puppy Inuki wait patiently, Kusanagi ambles along the sidewalk.

Fuma appears out of nowhere at Kusanagi's side as he walks down the street. "Surprised to see me, Kusanagi?"

Unperturbed, Kusanagi glances at him, and continues to walk on. "Not really, bad pennies like you always seem to turn up."

"And here I thought you liked me." Fuma pretends to be hurt.

"Nice day isn't it?" asks Kusanagi, adroitly changing the subject.

"Enjoy the scenery. It'll all be gone soon. The earth cries out for the death of all humans. Soon this will all be a wasteland, empty of humanity."

"Uh, Fuma? You're a member of humanity."

Fuma gestures impatiently. "Don't bother me with petty details! I'm off to torture, mutilate, and destroy. Plus, I think I'll play a few mind games with you and Nataku, like ordering him to kill your sweet young friend just to see what you'll do." He flashes an evil grin and leaves.

Kusanagi stuffs his hands in his pockets and sighs. "I'm really beginning to think I picked the wrong team to play on."

PART TWO: A girder of a bridge high above Tokyo. Sorata pines there.

"Here I am pining away for love of Arashi. Oh where, oh where has my Arashi gone? Oh where, oh where can she be?" wails Sorata like a hound dog.

Kamui appears suddenly on the girder. "Sorata. We must protect the world. We need to talk."

Sorata breaks off his impromptu version of the song,'Oh where, Oh where has my little dog gone' and responds. "Sure, talking. I'm good at that! I love to talk. Want to talk about Arashi? I love Arashi! I miss Arashi so much I..."

"Sorata! Focus." Interrupts Kamui, brusquely.

"OK"

"I think Princess Hinoto is not on our side anymore." Kamui intones dramatically.

"What do you mean?"

Kamui begins pacing on the girder. "Did it never occur to you to wonder what happened to the earthquake Hinoto said was going to level Ginza if we didn't stay there to protect Ginza the day Arashi and Yuzuriha were attacked in Inugashira? Well I did. And this paper spell that Hinoto left behind has an evil aura written all over it." He whips out the bit of trash he rescued from the street in Ginza.

"Evil aura? Where?" Sorata snatches the paper from Kamui and begins turning it upside down, then right side up, presumably looking for the aura.

Kamui sighs. "It's a figure of speech, Sorata. Now, let's go talk to Hinoto calmly and reasonably about this."

"You mean you don't want to just attack first and ask questions later?" asks Sorata.

Kamui lifts his chin and poses dramatically. "I am the new and improved Kamui. I now attempt to reason with both friend and foe."

"Cool."

PART THREE: The park where Yuzuriha still waits for Kusanagi, who arrives at the park entrance just as Nataku shows up by Yuzuriha's bench.

Nataku confronts her. "I am a Dragon of Earth. I am here to kill you."

"No way!" Yuzuriha cries.

"Yes. It's true. I'm a mindless drone. I kill without question."

"Bummer," responds Yuzuriha, sympathetically, then continues in a more chipper voice, "I've got a cool spirit puppy who turns into a sword. Want to see?"

"Er..." Natuaku begins uncertainly.

Yuzuriha transforms Inuki puppy into a spirit sword and begins whaling away at Nataku, who spins his fabric strips into dagger-like projectiles and fights back. During the fight, Yuzuriha creates a big green barrier field.

Seiichiro appears, walking down the street at the edge of the park, lost in thought. "I have just put flowers on Karen's grave. Maybe one day I'll bring my wife and kid to visit and tell them the whole story. We can have a picnic, and I'll say, 'Honey, there was this Christian prostitute I once knew that...Hmm. Maybe not." He looks up. "What's this? A barrier field? It looks like Yuzuriha's! I must go help." Turning toward the park entrance, he finds his way blocked by Kusanagi, looking quite imposing in his military fatigues. "Hey! Soldier guy, get out of my way!"

Kusanagi raises his hands sheepishly. "I can't do that. I'm a Dragon of Earth. Though to tell you the truth, I'm not exactly thrilled about it lately."

Seiichiro frowns. "Then I'll remove you by force, thrilled or not!" He jumps into the air and attacks Kusanagi with a wind spell. Kusanagi also leaps up and counters with a forceful blast.

Dangling in midair, Kusanagi begins to pontificate. "Can't you hear it? The earth crying tears of agony, screaming for revenge against the humans who have polluted it?"

"Huh?" asks Seiichiro, also still in midair.

Kusanagi adopts an earnest expression. "The earth has been devastated by humans. DDT in the streams, carbon monoxides, sulfer oxides, and hydrocarbons in the atmosphere - the list goes on and on."

Seiichiro folds his arms and responds thoughtfully. "True, but other humans protect the earth. Look at all the tree-huggers! Greenpeace! Save the Whales! The E.P.A.! And then there was that nut a while back who climbed up an oak tree in California and chained himself to its trunk to stop a housing development. Besides, the earth is an inanimate object. Strictly speaking it can't scream. The only beings that can cry from grief are the humans you Dragons of Earth keep trying to kill."

Kusanagi looks down and realizes he's still floating. "Er, do you think we could finish this conversation on the ground? We've been talking midair for the past five minutes."

"Sure." Seiichiro lands. "Now will you stop all this nonsense and just believe that there is good in humankind?"

Kusanagi jumps forward, knocks him out, and pounds him. "Love to, but then there wouldn't be enough dramatic conflict."

Meanwhile Yuzuriha lies on a rooftop, exhausted from her battle with Nataku. Kusanagi leaps up to stand below her under the eaves. "Mr. Kusanagi? Is that you?"

"Yes. I have a confession to make. I am a Dragon of Earth." Replies Kusanagi, shamefaced.

"Oh, I knew that." Says Yuzuriha airily.

Dumbfounded, Kusanagi responds. "What? How?"

"You could see Inuki, silly! Only Dragons can do that, and since you didn't show up for the Dragons of Heaven meetings with Princess Hinoto, It was pretty much a no-brainer! I knew you were on the enemy team and that you want to destroy everybody."

"Then why did you want to hang out with me?"

Yuzuriha giggles. "Because I love you of course! And just because you want to murder every living person doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. Anyone who likes Inuki-puppy is A-OK in my book!"

Kusanagi shrugs. "Makes sense to me."

Nataku leaps up on the rooftop. "Stand back, Kusanagi, while I slaughter your innocent young admirer who just confessed her love for you."

Kusanagi snarls, "Like that's going to happen!" He leaps in and scoops Yuzuriha up in his arms and carries her away from Nataku, saving her.

From out of nowhere, Arashi leaps at Kusanagi and slices partly through his torso with her sword. He lands, dropping Yuzuriha, and collapses in a pool of blood.

Sorata shows up at the park gate in time to see Arashi strike down Kusanagi for trying to save Yuzuriha, and cries out, "Arashi! What are you doing?"

Yuzuriha shrieks and kneels by Kusanagi's prone figure. "Arashi! Why did you try to kill Mr. Kusanagi after he saved me? Whose side are you on, anyway?"

Arashi holds her sword threateningly in front of her as she replies. "The Dragons of Earth, of course. I have switched sides."

Crushed, Sorata's eyes fill with tears as he asks, "But...why?"

Arashi replies, monotone, "So that I could save you, Sorata. Now you can't possibly die to protect me. Since we are fighting on opposite sides, you won't want to protect me anymore. Thus you will live."

"Anybody else besides me think that's just plain stupid?" asks Yuzuriha.

Sorata approaches the sword-wielding turncoat warily. "Uh, Arashi? Didn't it occur to you that in switching sides you are now taking orders from that psycho, Fuma, who half the time thinks his name is Kamui? And that he'll probably order you to kill me, and if you do I'll be just as dead as if I'd died protecting you?"

Yuzuriha jumps up and places her hands on her hips. "And what about me? By trying to save your one true love, you've just nearly slaughtered mine, and he was the only NICE Dragon of Earth left!"

Arashi swishes her sword angrily. "Stop trying to confuse me! The wonderful part about being a Dragon of Earth is that we don't have to care about silly things like love or loyalty or friendship. We just want to kill pretty much everyone on the planet. Besides, now I get to redeem my reputation as a cool unapproachable beauty. No more mushy stuff for me. I will now jump behind a train and disappear." She makes for the train.

Yuzuriha stamps her feet and glares after her. "I don't like you anymore! Your pleated uniform skirt makes you look fat! Eat glass and die!"

Sorata stands rooted to the ground, muttering in a disbelieving voice, "My one true love is a...is a..."

Yuzuriha comes up beside him and tugs on his sleeve. "I think the term you're looking for is the same one used to describe Inuki-puppy's mommy dog."

Sorata glances down at her. "Uh, thanks, but I was trying to say 'Dragon of Earth'."

PART FOUR: Hinoto's lair under the Japanese Diet building where Hinoto sits in a dream state.

Kanoe slinks up to her in the dream. "Hello, sister dear. I'm here to taunt you again."

Hinoto sighs. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

Kanoe shrugs. "Nope. I will now attack your hair." Grabbing a tendril of Hinoto's hair, she squeezes it with all her might. "Take that!" She steps on locks of Hinoto's hair lying on the ground. "And that!" She grinds her heel into the hair. "That too."

"Uh, Kanoe? That doesn't actually hurt. Hair doesn't have nerve endings."

Kanoe tosses aside Hinoto's lock of hair in disgust. "There you go again. You just have to prove how smart you are. Well I'm sick of it, do you hear? Mom and Dad always did like you best, but you're in my clutches now. Soon the world as we know it will end, and I'm going to keep you alive just so I can watch your reaction as you see your worst dreams come true. Bwahahah."

Hinoto shakes her head. "Are you NEVER going to get over your childhood?"

"And miss this wonderful opportunity to torture you psychologically? I love to see you suffer. I wake up in the morning thinking of clever new ways to make you writhe in agony. I even have an "I hate Hinoto" website! Which reminds me, I have to go update it. Ciao, big sister!" Cries Kanoe mockingly as she slinks away on high-heeled pumps.

Mirror-Hinoto grins. "Ah ha! I knew that stupid woman would want to keep Hinoto alive to torture her some more. That means I get to live too! My plan is working. The Dragons of Heaven shall perish, but I'll live on. Bwahahaha."

"Shut up!" Shrieks Hinoto as she plunges a knife into Mirror-Hinoto's chest. "I hate that laugh. It sounds bad enough from Kanoe, but I draw the line at hearing it from myself."

Mirror-Hinoto gasps. "But...but....How can you do this? I was supposed to live forever! And besides, in killing me, your evil-twin psyche, you just plunged the knife into your own chest as well."

Hinoto looks down at her blood soaked torso. "Whoops."

Kamui rushes into Hinoto's shrine room and picks her up. "Hinoto! What happened?"

Hinoto's sightless eyes turn toward him blearily. "I'm dying."

"Check out the blood pool, Oh stupid one." her attendants chorus in unison.

Kamui grimaces and smacks himself on the head.

Hinoto grabs Kamui's sleeve piteously. "Kamui, there's something I have to tell you before I die. My death means that the seal on the Shincan swords will be broken. I also regret to inform you that your powers have not fully awakened yet, even though Fuma's have. I thought maybe you'd be able to change the fate of the world and its destined destruction, but I guess I was wrong. I think I'll die, now that I've done my best to depress the heck out of you. I wish it could be otherwise." She dies.

"Thanks loads."

Meanwhile in her secret hideout, Kanoe wakes up in her sumptuously decorated bedroom. "Hinoto just killed herself! But why? Sure, I made her life a living hell by devoting mine to making sure her worst dreams came true, but is that any reason to off yourself? I will now sob with hysterical grief, even though I hated her guts." She sobs melodramatically.

At the same moment, deep beneath the CLAMP school inside their top-secret storage facility, Kamui's Shincan sword quivers as its chains dissolve.

PART FIVE: Much later, Kamui and Sorata stand near a small burbling fountain in the courtyard of CLAMP school, eyeing it gloomily.

"Sorry to hear about Hinoto dying." offers Sorata.

"Sorry about Arashi turning on us and becoming a Dragon of Heaven bent on the destruction of humanity." Counters Kamui.

Sorata shrugs. "Yeah, well what with Subaru being all clinically depressed and catatonic over killing Seishiro, and Seiichiro still unconscious from Kusanagi pounding him into the pavement, and Karen being dead, and Yuzuriha refusing to leave Kusanagi's side, and Arashi betraying us, it looks like it's just you and me, kid. What say we go attack the Dragons of Earth and punch their lights out?"

Seiichiro looking pitiful in a neckbrace, wheels himself up to the pair in a wheelchair. "Sorata! I have something important to tell you."

"Hey, I thought you were still out cold." Sorata responds happily.

Seiichiro grimaces. "I got better. But I must tell you, Sorata, that Arashi really loves you."

Sorata stares in disbelief. "Dude! She SWITCHED SIDES! She's now our enemy, out to kill us all."

Seiichiro waves a hand, dismissively. "Don't let that bother you. She only did it to protect you."

"How do you know?" asks Sorata, unconvinced.

"Karen told me before she died. Chicks know these things. Mere mortal men like us will never understand them."

Kamui clears his throat. "Ahem. That reminds me. I must go check on Yuzuriha. She refuses to leave Kusanagi's side."

"Women!" Kamui, Seiichiro, and Sorata sigh together, silent for a long pause to ponder the complexities of the female gender.

Sorata snaps out of it first. "So, you wanna go eat pizza and watch basketball on TV?"

"Sure." The boys follow Seiichiro back inside.

Meanwhile, in Kanoe's lair, Fuma sits caressing his Shincan sword. Nataku and Arashi attend him.

Fuma addresses the girl in a serious tone of voice. "Arashi. The time is coming for the cataclysmic battle for earth. In order to save Sorata's life, you must kill Kamui, the Dragon of Heaven."

Arashi nods obediently. "Of course. I will kill the kid that Sorata considers his best friend. I'm sure he'll understand."

Fuma starts, and holds out his Shincan. "Aha. My sword is going all shimmery. That means that Kamui has picked up his Shincan. I will now send out a mental dog whistle and call him to me."

Nataku immediately grimaces and claps his hands over his ears. "Owie!"

PART SIX: A deserted shipyard. Fuma and Arashi wait for Kamui.

Kamui walks dramatically alone, Shincan sword in hand, and draws near to them. He stops several feet away and says his opponent's name. "Fuma."

Fuma does the same. "Kamui."

They glare at each other.

Suddenly, Kamui attacks Fuma with his sword. Fuma blocks it with his, then leaps away.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I've another sparring partner in mind for you." Fuma says mockingly and gestures above to where Arashi begins leaping down on top of Kamui. Kamui moves aside, but loses his sword as Arashi knocks it out of his hand. Both leap up onto a crane's girder.

"Arashi! Don't do this." Pleads Kamui.

Unaffected by the plea, Arashi growls and attacks again, nicking Kamui on the face and arm, forcing him to back up until he reaches the end of the girder.

Sorata shows up unexpectedly. "Arashi! Knock it off! I have sworn to protect Kamui." He shoves her off the girder with an energy ball, then leaps down on the ground to join her. "I will kill you if I have to." Winding up like a pitcher, he prepares to ram another energy ball down her throat.

"I must kill Kamui, no matter what." Arashi assumes a defensive kendo pose and prepares to ram the tip of her sword into Sorata's throat. Both stop before impact, and stare at each other for a long moment.

Sorata is the first to break the silence. "Aw, snuggle-bunny. I knew you couldn't kill me."

"Muffin-cake! I knew you couldn't kill me either." responds Arashi.

From his perch up above Kamui calls out plaintively, "Could someone get me down from this girder before I throw up?"

"Glad to oblige." says Fuma, and slices the crane off at the base so that it topples, forcing Kamui to jump off it, and Arashi and Sorata to jump back in separate directions to avoid being crushed. Fuma grabs Arashi and throws her to the ground.

Fuma growls at her. "So, you would betray the Dragons of Earth, would you? Die!" He attempts to plunge his sword through her chest only to find that Sorata jumped in the way and took the blow meant for her.

Arashi shrieks. "Sorata! Darn it, Fuma! I joined you because you promised this would never happen if I did!"

Fuma shrugs. "So I lied. I'm the king of evil who loves to kill; it's his destiny to be killed. What did you expect? Besides, I refuse to allow any human to live who uses the word 'snuggle-bunny', and as for that 'muffin-cake' comment? I will now kill you too."

Sorata grabs at the sword in his chest and sends an energy ball careening up its length to hit Fuma full in the face. "I don't think so Mr. word critic. Destiny works two ways. That means if I die, I get to save her life. You really should read more Manga!"

Face melting, Fuma staggers back. "Argh!" He disappears in a flash of smoke.

Arashi cradles Sorata's body in her arms and sinks to the ground. "Oh Sorata, Why? Why?"

"Dramatic irony, of course!" responds Sorata. "Now promise you'll live for me, and the memory of our love. Promise too that every time you chop onions, you'll think of me." He dies.

Arashi, sobbing, agrees. "Yes, darling. I'll eat onions with every meal, just so I can chop them."

Kamui makes a face. "Remind me not to sit next to you in the CLAMP school cafeteria anymore."

PART SEVEN: Kanoe's lair. Fuma, face half burnt off, lies splayed across Kanoe's throne, gripping his Shincan sword and grimacing in pain. Nataku attends him.

Fuma's face, the un-crisped side, assumes a thoughtful expression. "Natuaku. Remember that wish of yours?"

Natuku nods eagerly. "You mean the one where I wish that we could be together forever, master?"

"Well it's your lucky day. I'm going to disintegrate your body into tiny globules of bloody flesh, which I will graft onto the wounded portions of my body, thus stealing your life force in order to heal my wounds. By the way, I'll also have to disintegrate all your clothes off too."

Natuku jumps up and down. "Oh goody."

Meanwhile, behind the throne room, Kakyo, the Dragons of Earth's dream seer pulls Kamui's consciousness into his dream state.

"Kamui, you chose to be a Dragon of Heaven, but even if you'd chosen to be a Dragon of Earth, the earth would still be toast. The future has been decided. The Dragons of Heaven will lose. All the barriers that are keeping the Dragons of Earth from destroying humanity are gone except one. Tokyo Tower. When that barrier falls, all is lost." Kakyo intones the words dramatically.

Kamui growls. "Don't you dream seers ever have any good news?" He leaves in a huff, to go perch on Tokyo Tower.

PART EIGHT: Kusanagi's sickbed in the CLAMP school. Yuzuriha sits by his side. Arashi enters.

Arashi coughs to get her attention and says, "Sorry I sliced up your boyfriend."

Yuzuriha twists around in her seat to look at her. "S'OK, I'm sure he'll understand. He's the nice Dragon of Earth."

Seiichiro wheels himself in, ensconced in a wheelchair, neck-brace, and cast. "We may be banged up and we may have lost all our Dragon powers, but all is not lost. At least we can wish for Kamui's success."

Yuzuriha cocks her head to one side questioningly. "You mean like in Peter Pan when all the children clap for Tinkerbell so she'll live?"

Seiichiro's face brightens."Yes! Let's all clap for Kamui." He claps his bandaged hands together a bit too enthusiastically. "Ouch!"

PART NINE: On top of Tokyo Tower. Kamui stands guard, nobly alone, dressed in black, and looking cool.

Fuma appears on the other end of the girder Kamui is standing on. "You are in the way. Fighting destiny is useless. I'm gonna win!" Whipping out his sword, he spars with Kamui.

"No! I can win." Insists Kamui as he fights. "Despite being told since day one by both dream seers that I would fail and that earth will become a barren wasteland no matter what, I am the new and improved Kamui, so I will fight you."

Fuma plunges his sword through Kamui's shoulder, forcing him to drop his now-broken sword. "Foolish boy! When you challenged me, you signed your death warrant."

Kamui gasps in pain. "Impossible! This can't be. I'm the new and improved Kamui. I'm one of the good guys. I fight to protect the ones I love."

Fuma grins sardonically. "Don't you know that if you wield the Shincan sword to protect others that you'll lose? Who do you think you are? Rurouni Kenshin? That sort of sentimental claptrap only works in Shonen Jump Manga and anime series. Face it, this is a CLAMP story, and you can't win. I'm evil incarnate." He pulls his sword out of Kamui's shoulder. "Ooh, looky there! I just destroyed the last seal keeping the earth together."

The earth rumbles and fissures appear, tinged with pink, in cabalistic designs. Fuma draws back his sword to finish off Kamui.

Subaru swoops in to snatch Kamui out of harm's way. He lands and collapses dramatically. "Kamui! Follow your own path, the path you chose." Subaru faints.

Kamui stares into space. "I will now have a poignant flashback." He flashes onto a memory of his mother, Kotori, Hinoto, and Sorata all urging him to grow strong to protect the ones he loves. "OK, I'm over it." Kamui shakes himself like a dog after a bath. "I think I'll go back and let Fuma make a shish-kebob out of me some more." He staggers over to Fuma, who plunges his sword through Kamui's chest.

Fuma grins. "Hee hee hee! I win! I nailed you in the heart. Now you die in vain! It's good to be the Dragon of Earth."

Kamui, still talking even with a punctured aorta, speaks. "But I'm not going to die. This is all part of my clever plan to make you feel so guilty that you will snap out of it and turn back into the lovable basketball-obsessed teenager you used to be. You see, even though your sword has pierced my heart, I'll always live on in yours." He places his hand gently on the center of Fuma's chest.

Fuma's jaw drops. "Wha...? Hey! No fair touching!"

Kamui continues to talk even though he's lost enough blood to fill a Red Cross blood drive quota. "You're always bragging about being able to grant wishes. Well my dying wish is that you'd stop being such a jerk!" Kamui explodes and dissipates into a ball of light that expands into a barrier field which covers the whole earth.

Fuma stands alone atop Tokyo tower holding his chest with a befuddled look on his face and says, "Ah crud! And I was having so much fun being the bad guy."

EPILOGUE: Kakyo's voice over. "And thus it ended. The final battle was over. Kamui's great sacrifice saved the world as his wish, and the wishes of all those who died in the conflict, will live on in Fuma's heart forever. The future was not already decided. From this day forward, there will be as many futures as there are wishes."

Kanoe pipes up, irritated. "Excuse me! How come Kakyo got to do the epilogue? I should have been the one chosen to do it. I'm the only one in the whole story who didn't get the snot kicked out of them. Unlike other people I could mention, I don't have a scratch on me. I'm still a knockout."

Arashi sniffs. "You're not even a Dragon. Besides, I'm the cool unapproachable beauty of the series. If the decision was to be based on looks alone, I should have been the one chosen for the epilogue."

Yuzuriha jumps in. "Hey! Did someone mention wishes? I wish for ice cream, lots of ice cream, right now! Plus, I think Mr. Kusanagi should have done the voiceover. He's swell!"

Kusanagi blushes. "No, you should have done it, Yuzuriha. You're the youngest and most innocent of it all. You'd be the perfect voice of hope for the future."

Kanoe asks, in a dangerously mild tone, "Are you calling me...OLD?"

Seiichiro attempts to placate her. "Children, children, you mustn't quarrel. I'm the oldest and wisest of you all. My whole role in this entire series is to give sage advice and counsel when it's most needed, and I think..."

Everyone else cries out in unison, "Oh shut up!"

Incomprehensible babble breaks out. "I want ice cream! How DARE you call me old? Children, please! Uh, I've got to be getting back to the army base. Ruff! Ruff! Down, Inuki-puppy! I'm going to go chop onions, this argument is distasteful."

Kakyo's voiceover continues. "And thus it ends. Earth and humanity leaves on. The future is what you make of it."

THE END


End file.
